The Year Of Change..

What more can I say?
Happy Birthday..?

Those 2 words are meaningless if you don't have any good terms with someone..
Its more of a statement to show you know its their day of birth.. Nothing more.

Needless to say I'm not wishing you.. And I Don't Really Know Why..
Its not that I can't, its more along the lines of I won't..
I did not forget.. I never would.. I can't even if i tried.
Its embedded in my head.. Set in stone..

As I type this out.. I'm lost for words..
I don't know why.. Why?
Aside from the obvious of the great disappointment and anger I have..
Theres an underlying factor.. I just cant get my finger on it..

Perhaps its the fact he's still there and I'm not..
Perhaps I feel its a matter of time before your little world crumbles before your very eyes..
Perhaps deep down inside me.. I'm still waiting for your sincere apology..
No matter how doubtful I am that its ever gonna happen.. Its still a lingering thought.
You have your reasons and I have mine..
I've made mine clear to you.. I've been truthful time and time again..
You've always been secretive, so shut up inside your home that you wouldn't let me in..

Perhaps.. I'm just..
Waiting for the day you'll make the effort I deserve to actually try fix it..
You and I know it WAS possible.. But you didn't help me at all.
Maybe there's a tiny bit of me that wishes we could be friends once again..
There's always this part of me that hurts every time I think of you..
I resent you.. For everything you've done to me..
I say IDGFF (I Don't Give a Flying Fuck)
But honestly.. I think everyone knows.. Its a blank blow of anger..

Looking back.. 9th November 2008 - 9th November 2009..
All I can say is.. What in the world happened?
I was the only person you spent your birthday with last year..
Oh how honoured I felt that someone would want to spend their special day with just me..
But..this year I am nothing more than a distant memory..
Written in your book of life as history..
The chapter only seen once in a blue moon..
Skimmed through..
Not truly understanding the moral lessons taught in the past stories..

Its seen in human history..
Warnings placed long before the disaster happens..
But do we listen? No we don't..
Why did we disregard the warnings in the first place?
We question ourselves this only AFTER..
What fools we all are.. Fools.
Could the same be said for you? Only time will tell...

I always tell people this.. The age of 16 is the year of change...
Drastic changes always happen.. whether you like it or not..
I told her once, "Its the year of change! Be prepared for it! Good or Bad I'll always be here for you to get you through.."
How was I meant to know I was going to get caught up in all of this?
How could anyone perceive the forecoming events seen in the coming months?
No one knew..
No one...

Chronology in months..
November 08
Happily together.. living the never ending dream.. Blissful..

December 08
Seperated from each other.. Oceans apart.. Sleepless nights and lonely days..

January 09
Visited me in Singapore.. I was to oblivious to notice any change.. after all this time.. I realized alot.. 27th Jan - Told me saying "ILY" felt wrong.

Febuary 09
10th Febuary - Left me with a empty heart
15th Febuary - My first and only valentine.. awkward date...
27th Febuary - Its all gone.. Broken and shattered on the ground with no one around to piece it back together..

March 09
The struggle to hold the friendship together starts..
Other guys, more lies, Shattered skies..

April 09
The Note was written to you..
Week after.. Promises broken..
Friendship torn apart..
Half a month passes..

May 09
Wondered why she hasnt tried to contact me..
A month after.. Said I needed to talk to her face to face..

June 09
Weeks pass.. 3,4,5,6,7...
Waiting for the day I get the opportunity to say what i needed..
The long wait.. Every 2 weeks I ask.. only to be returned with an excuse.
Busy, Mom, Friends, Other plans...
How insignificant I felt.. I didnt have any urgency placed in her life.. Not 1 bit at all..

July 09
After waiting 10 Weeks..
Thats more than 2 months..
Tell me how long do you think i'd have to wait to finally get my say?
The day finally came..
Only to be put down to the ground..
Asked a simple question of why?
I get compared directly to the other guy..
Does it look like I wanted to know what makes him so much god damn better than me?
"He plays the guitar... I wouldn't say cool.. but he's different"
Thanks alot of putting me down in this hole once again...
Ive already struggled enough.. I did NOT need to know..

End of July..
I put forward the idea that I no longer wanted to be friends..
You made it seem like it didnt matter to you..
Easily made the decision to let me go as a friend..
Said "I totally understand your decision.. Just talk to me at group okay? =]"
And I said "No you dont get it.. When I say I dont want to be friends I mean I dont want to talk to you"
She gets mad even though its my decision! Saying things like Fine then!
I'm the one who has to make the first move always time and time again..
This is why im finally taking a stand! Why should I be the first one to jump again?
You didnt catch me when I fell..
It's your turn not mine.

August 09
September 09
October 09
All of which.. No contact what so ever..

As I said.. The year of change..
Biggest change..
Losing your best friend is bad enough..
Losing all respect and trust for one.. worse..
Losing everything that was built.. theres nothing worse..

When we look back at 2009...
Will we say it was a good year or bad? or a big salad of life..
Will I tell my friends that 2009 was a great year?
Hard to say..
First 7 months was complete terror for me..
Following 3 months...
Gained new friends.. 1 or 2 close ones.. well just 1..
Someone who challenged my thoughts and I respect that..
First person who bluntly pointed out my mistakes..
Which is what I wanted all along.. I dont care if it hurts..
It helps me grow as a person..

Its my life goal to learn to be a better person to everyone..
Its a never ending lesson life... Guess we all have to take the fall sometimes..
The Up's And Down's..
Neither can exist without one another..

Repeat:
16 is the year of change..
I once told you that..
Now do you understand what I meant?

Ash,
"Out with the Old, In with the New.. Just sit back and Enjoy The View"
Enjoy The View - David Choi