Quote: "We can lose ourselves in romantic attachment, but the truth is, the euphoria is unlikely to last for long.
Indeed, the likelihood of undergoing suffering and sadness only grows over time.
As long as we remain unable to address our own weaknesses,
we will be miserable no matter where or to whom we may take flight.
We can never become truly happy unless we ourselves undergo a personal transformation."
Now that quote is so true...
The dream of "I want them to love me for who I am"
Yes that is true
But people tend to take it way too literal.
What it really means..
"Who I Am"
Is what you are and how you act in life..
It DOES NOT mean you expect them to love you without some sort of compromise..
Theres always something the other doesn't like about you..
Cause nothing is perfect..
Which also means.. You CANT just expect things from them..
When the other is doing all the work by trying to change themselves just to suit you better..
You cant just sit there and wait for them to turn themselves better!
YOU yourself have to change...
If you take that quote literally..
Your relationship is doomed to end..
A relationship is a 2 way thing...
It takes 2 to start something..
It takes 2 to call it a pair...
It takes 2 to love...
It takes 2 to make it work..
How can you say you love someone when your not even willing to change..
When I say change I dont mean like major things..
I mean just the little things like not being so fussy all the time.. Just relax(Just an Example)
Like smile a little more..
And for god sakes just listen sometimes!!
No Offence there girls...
But you all have to listen sometimes!
Dont think for 1 second that your always right!
You may think at the time your right and argue your point..
But please just let the other talk and share his side of the story...
You might win the argument.. but you will lose the fight eventually..
It is impossible to know a situation until you've gotten all the information..
And if you girls cant do what i just said.. Then sorry..
You need to change yourself if you ever want things to work..
The quote says "As long as we remain unable to address our own weaknesses,
we will be miserable no matter where or to whom we may take flight"
That's another point.
You are meant to address your own weaknesses..
Not throw yourself at someone and hope they help you..
Cause they cant. All they can do is support you..
So dont expect them to save you from your own downfall.. Cause they cant..
The change is in yourself... not them.. They can only influence.. but its your choice..
You always have that choice.. and you always will..
The question is whether you pick the right one...
Enough of my little quote section..
Date: Saturday February 28th.. 2009
Spent the sleepless night just thinking... And something else... T.T
Thinking hard on what the hell happened...
What the hell happened to everything..
Remembering the way it was before the holidays..
All the happiness and joy I once had..
Thinking on how she was when she came to visit in Singapore..
She was the same then.. Felt like she did still loved me then..
But 2 weeks after she left..
She tells me she wants to end it.. Cause of her parents..
But now.. She doesn't love me anymore?
What the F***!?!
Its confusing as hell.. there is no clear reasoning to her...
She tells me she doesnt know why... she just FELT it was gone..
No matter how hard I thought..
I could not come to understand it..
(Till this day I still dont know..)
I deleted my inbox that day... So I only have txts from this day..
I havent cleared it since...
Got up in the morning..
Had to pretend I was really tired cause my eyes were completely red..
Couldnt let my family see...
Realised that I was going out with the guys to play games..
I did not want to go...
At 12.13pm
I receive a text from her.. (Ill use the red text like MSN cause its easy to identify who is who)
"I passed! I have my learners now! XD."
Of course me being the depressed person I was..
I was freaking shocked at what enthusiasm she had...
So happy.. while I was probably the most down Ive ever been in my entire life...
Of course I couldnt be a complete dick and not reply right??
"Congrads. See I told you it was easy... Bet it was no sweat at all..."
Very monotonous replies from me..
"No way man. I just passed! I got 3 wrong XD"
"lol... Well i gtg.. Playing games with the guys.. ttyl.."
"Okies! Have fun! Bye"
At this point I was all.. WTF...
We just broke up last night and now you want to share with me this happy moment in your life..
I really dont care... Good for you!
I didnt want to talk at all...
Especially not to her...
Played games for 3 hours.. Practically lost every game.. so wasnt in the mood..
Everyone could tell..
Cause I didnt shout and be all excited when we played.. Not even once...
Finished gaming when I had to txt her..
I mean its not like I wanted to.. Its like I felt like a had to..
I couldnt let our friendship die as well..
"Hey.."
"Hey. Did u just finish playing games with your mates?"
I was like.. Whats that supposed to mean??
Just cause I played for nearly 4 hours..
Was she expecting me to reply her instantly after??
"yea we played 3 hours at the cyber cafe.. Just finished."
"Lol That sounds hardout XD"
"Lol nah... Just good fun I guess"
She just said lol and moved on to say that someone was looking for me online cause they needed help with co
"Tell him i'm on my way back home now.. I'll answer the questions he needs to ask.."
No reply till I got home..
Kenneth and Tze had followed me home cause Kenneth wanted to ninja some Tv shows and games.
Me and her chatted online a little bit..
I was pretending not to be depressed and tried to talk normally.. Which is usually pretty cheery..
Trying hard to be happy... even though I definitely wasn't..
Im not going to tell you all the conversations we had..
We talked pretty short that day cause the guys were over and was kinda busy..
Kenneth pointed out to me..
"Your facebook says from In a relationship to Single.."
And I just kept quiet...
Tze asked "When was this??"
"Last night"
Tze was like.. "WTF! No wonder you did so shit today! No wonder you looked like shit today!"
I cant remember what we talked about later.. Too much clutter in my head that day.. So I dont remember that much..
Tze stayed over at my place for the night..
(Different Beds -.-"... Just to stop peoples ideas flying around)
Well he tried his best to distract me from thinking about her...
We looked at really old chat logs from 2006..
Man it was pretty funny..
When we were kids we talked about the stupidest stuff ever!
And the amount of lols is just crazy...
at least 1 in every 2 lines!
We walked down to mairangi bay at 10.30 to get a drink, a couple of snack and just to talk..
Then chilled out at the playground at the primary...
It was me Tze and nick at the time.. (nick came later)
Just talked crap and had fun..
When Nick had to go...
The serious talk came..
I explained what had happened.. but I dont think I explained it well.. cause I myself at the time had no grip on what was going on..
Went home about 12.30?
Just sat and didnt talk about it cause my parents were awake..
We stayed up till 3 am before sleeping..
The Sunday we spent just txting one another..
I was really trying to go back to normal.
We txted one another like nothing had happened..
It was like everything was back to normal..
Or at least thats what she thought..
I was lying to myself that I was alright...
I dont know why.. I just didnt want to feel sad.. I would have at the time..
Rather live a lie where then to feel depressed..
I mean it was alright txting her that way....
But deep inside.. It just didnt feel right...
Her phone died again that night..
Cant do anything about that...
We didnt talk to one another on Monday...
For some reason.. just cause I didnt start the convo for the day this time..
3rd March.. Tuesday..
After school she txted me..
It started off all good..
Until I asked where she was yesterday..
"I wasnt in a txting mood.... txted no1 lol"
"Oh.. that's a first.."
I was screwed in the head at this time so... I really was impatient and pretty irritable..
"It happens sometimes..."
"Yea guess so.. Especially this time.."
"Yeah.."
"Yea.. So how are you?"
"Im okay I guess"
I still cared for her... I still loved her..
I just didnt know what the hell I was doing anymore...
"You guess?"
"Yeah.."
"I thought it would be all good for you"
"Yeah..but i also feel bad 4 doing it u know..."
"Well just tell me one thing then... You dont regret it right?"
"No... But i feel awful cos im hurting u..."
"ok now i can get rid of any hope I had.."
"Oh god... But can we still be friends?"
"I never said we couldn't.. I have a stupid mind okay.. I have hope when there's none.."
"But that doesnt mean u should ever give up hope on other stuff ok?"
I got pretty aggitated.. I was angry and sad at the same time.. Terrible feeling..
"You know what's ironic? I'm pretty much the one who always told you to be positive.. how things have changed.."
"yeah... Well, u were right when u said that."
"Yeah. and ive learnt alot of things in the past few days.. talking with the guys really gives me perspectives.."
"Im glad u learnt alot of things.. :)"
I dont know what I was doing.. I just wanted to get pissed at her for everything...
Cause I knew I didnt deserve this...
"Well I learnt that the first love is usually the strongest and after that its just not as strong anymore.. The stereotype of the guy being the one who ends it is a comeplete lie. Almost every single relationship is based on infatuation which always fades away eventually... And that's when you know where its real or not. "
All she could say was..
"Im glad u have awesome as friends"
I took a shot at her..
Cause her previous bf and one of her so called best friend are both people she met online..
She never met her previous bf.. and met her 'best friend' once 2 years ago.
Which I find pretty damn ridiculous..
How could u even love someone when youve never met them..
You dont know what they are like in person!
She could love them when she couldnt even love me.. when i tried soo hard...
I would have done anything to make her smile.. she did have an amazing smile...
"Well maybe you should start talking to your friends rather than trusting everything with someone online who you can't really know. "
This is cause she didnt tell her friends that the relationship ended.. even 3 days after...
Her online 'bestie' already knew she was going to end it with me.. He was there the first time it ended.. (You will hear all about him soon)
I asked her good friend if she was okay on the monday..
She just asked "Why? what happened?"
I was shocked.. She didnt even tell them... I felt like It didnt mean anything to her..
Was it not important enough that she didnt even tell her friends?!
"Excuse me? That was comeplete uncalled for! (which it was.. but I was depressed) I didnt say i wish i had friends like yours, i said i was glad you have awesome friends that could help u through this! I may not be able 2 get 2 know them well enough, but sometimes your instincts are right. The only person that has upset me was my exbf. the other are all real good friends"
"I didn't mean it like that okay (Actually i meant it for her ex and ur online bestie) I meant you should talk to your friends rather than just your online friends. Think. In the time of trouble do you actually think your online friends can do anything to help?"
"I do talk to my friends when i need help. and my online friends do help me at times. How did they come into this conversation anyways?! I didnt even mention them"
"When I say trouble I didnt mean anything to do with people problems.. I know you didnt mention them at all.. but heres the thing. You trust them too much.. You always do.. Some are good I know. Some are bad as well.. Sure you have lots of friends both in real life and online.. but how many of them would truely come to your aid when your really in deep trouble..? I would.."
I made up this 2nd person... Cause i didnt want her to hear exactly what i had to say.. so i said a 'friend' commented on her situation. She had 2 previous bf's.. The first.. Totally deserted her for 3 whole months.. He was overseas.. and he didnt even contact her for that all..
The 2nd.. Cheated on her... He was 2 timing.. she was the long distance relationship.. He already had a girlfriend before they got together..
"Okay I didn;'t say this but.. I'm quoting someone who commented on your situation..
Your life is pretty messed up.. Being left the first time... Cheated the 2nd..
Your never had a proper relationship with anyone till now..
He says that you dont know how to handle things on your own.. your very lost and needs to get things straightened out in your life.. You need to chill out and just relax...
If you hate NZ so much... So what? You cant do anything about it..
Learn to enjoy what you have.. If you think its terrible then it is terrible.. Everythings in your mind. Stop wishing you were somewhere else when you know you cant be there.
Back to me now... you know what I realised?
I only started to like you cause I felt so sorry for you...
I thought I had some sort of obligation in my hehad to help you...
But now that your on your feet again.. You dont need my help at all..
Thats probably why it went all wrong.. You dont know what love is.. T
he physical attraction. the urge to always talk to that person and have his undivided attention is just infatuation..
You need to sit down and think.. is your definition of love just based on in fatuation or is it more..?"
Yes this is all 1 single txt..
"I know i trust them heaps. now whenever i talk to them i take into consideration that they may be lying through their teeth.. (she contradicted herself) And you can tell your friend that i say thank you for that bit of advice. I am getting myself back together, I started by Breaking up with you!
u talk about me as if u know me inside out, but you still have so much to learn! I may say that i cant wait to get out of nz nd im sick of this place, but that doesnt mean i hate every single day i here. I do happen 2 enjoy as much of it as i can!
Im trying to keep our friendship from falling apart, but your criticising me like ive done something wrong 2 my other friends! Nite!"
Like I said it wasnt for her other friends.. Mainly those 2 people..
"I started by Breaking up with you!"
This is the exact line that totally destroyed me...
She tells me inorder to get back your life you break up with me?
Ive been there time and time again for her...
Picked up the phone to her her crying.. Trying to get her mind off her previous breakups..
All for what!? to be used like a tool to get her life back...
"You started by breaking up with me... Wow.. now thats hurtful.. What is that supposed to mean? Your life was in a mess and the first thing you need to sort out is dumping me?
Do you even have the slightest idea how broken I am at the moment?
You talk to me as if nothing had happened.. You know you meant the world to me.. You already destroyed everything I was hopeful for this year..
Dont break me down more.. You already put me through enough..
Dont you dare say your getting your life back together starting with me!!
I have done nothing to deserve being put in this position and you know it!
I have helped you soo much in the past.. I dedicated my time for you.. for what?
Cause I had to? No..
I did it by choice.. I dont regret helping you at all.. i regret ever falling in love with you..
You know how first love feels.. Your just crazy about that one person..
It seems like its never ending.. You even cried for two weeks just cause you missed him!
You think i didnt feel that same thing you did?
Well I did.. It felt great that i was with you.. It probably was the happiest point in my life..
I never thought I could get anyone remotely as beautiful as you...
Never thought anyone would be interested in me.. It was unbelieveable..
I thought it was too good to be true... Turns out it was.. Now I feel used..
Like an instrument to get your life back.. And when you were done.. you just push me aside..
Ive pretty much wasted every night of the holidays wishing for you.. Only to be hurt even more...
You know people called you a bitch... Yet I still defended you.. I dont even know why..
You stole my heart and then just walked out..
You lie to me about simple things like bedtimes..
Your so hurtful and you dont even know it!
I dont even know where you'd be if I wasn't around to help you..
But now you dont need me at all..
You cried for 2 weeks for someone you missed so much...
I just got dumped by someone I missed just as much...
I just can't believe you said that...
Nite..."
(And thats the longest txt ive ever composed.. 18 txts long)
When she said that...
It just screwed my mind even more.. What the hell was going on..
First parents.. then dont love me anymore cause she just didnt..
Now say she dumped me cause she was getting her life back...
What was I supposed feel? What was I supposed to do!?
What could I do...
In the morning she txted..
"Ashley, im sorry about last night.. I didnt mean the whole getting my life back together starting with u thing.. I was just really angry cos I felt like you were dissing my friends and i just hate people who do that..
The reason why i act like nothing has happened is cos thats the only way i know how to act.. I try 2 avoid awkwardness as much as i cn..
Im really sorry Ashley... I didnt mean 2 hurt u Ashley.."
If you didnt mean it.. Then why did you say it.. You cant just say something then take it back.. And expect me to believe that what you said wasnt true...
Heres what I have noticed... She always says she doesnt mean it.. and avoids any kind of confrontation..
Her excuse for everything is Im sorry.. I didnt mean it..
If someone says that you just cant do anything about it...
"I did not diss your friends.. I didnt pick on any of your friends... All i said was you shouldnt trust them so much and whether your online friends can really help you if there's a real situation..
I know you didnt mean to .. But you did hurt me.. The kind of hurt I swore to myself I would never put you through.."
"But to me it felt like u were saying that theyre not good enough. I know i cant rely on them when im in trouble, thats why i wont rely on them 2 help me in those situations..
I just dont want to lose me as a friend.."
(She was already losing me.. long before it ended..)
I changed the topic and the day just continued..
The entire week I was txting her normally again...
She went on camp..
So she didnt have much time to txt...
but through out the entire week.. I didnt bring it up at all..
even though I felt worse than ever...
When she got back on msn..
we talked.. and i said..
"I cant keep pretending... did u actually think i was recovering well?"
"I thought you were...you were sounding cheerful...happy..friendly..."
"Thats only cause i didnt wanna bring things up"
"if you dont want to talk to me just tell me"
"if talking to me on a daily basis is making things worse, just tell me.. ill back off"
"i just...thought you shared my train of thought because you seemed to want to talk to me..."
"i do want to.. its just that i realised u talk to me the same even in or out of the relationship..."
"and realised there was nothing really different when we were together"
"and I completely hate myself for telling you that i liked you that day"
"I was confused and stupid"
"I realised after talking to so many people"
"I only told u because you were about to get back with ur cheating ex and i just couldnt allow that"
"i wasnt gonna say nothing till this year.. I regret that now.."
"so... you only told me you liked me because you didnt want me to get back together with my ex...?"
"yea..."
"why else did u think I said i was confused that day"
"and just blurt it out all of a sudden?"
"if that was the case then...did you actually mean anything you said...? when we were together...?"
I so wanted to say that I didnt mean it all... but of course I meant it.. I was so crazy about her..
"of course I did..."
"I did not lie when i said i liked you.."
"It was just rushed"
"ok..."
"i meant every word i said"
"ok.. cos i did too..."
"if u really did then why are we in this situation now?"
"because somewhere along the way i lost it..."
"you cant just 'lose' it"
"its more like u never had it"
"i did! and you can just 'lose' it"
"because i did"
"i think u dont even know what its like to have it"
"and you think you do??"
"you know what"
"I thought this friendship would work out."
"I thought you were recovering well." (Oh how wrong she was...)
"i want to still be friends with you"
"but to me, it seems like you dont want that"
"well, i'm sorry for disturbing you this entire time"
"i'll just leave you alone!"
Blocked*
Its not that i didnt want to be friends with her anymore..
I just didnt want to settle with just friends..
I wanted more..
I wanted everything to go back to the way it was...
Well she blocked me.. so I went on yahoo messenger to talk to her..
No chat logs.. So I really dont remember what I said...
Only thing i remember was..
Asking her what her shout out meant..
It was " im such a fool"
I asked.. why do you say that?
she said...
she doesnt know if she likes this other guy...
her online 'bestie'...
Remember him?? In part 2 I said that she had a friend she liked before we got together..
and that she didnt know what to do with him.. whether to say yes..
Well guess what... its the same guy AGAIN.
Im just like.... wtf.. 2 weeks later and this comes up..??
And I'll tell you all this on the next post...
Cause Its too long already...
All about his guy.. that she just suddenly liked..again!
All this in part 5...
posting.. whenever I feel like posting another...
Ash,
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