Part 3.. The Break Up.. (Read Parts 1 & 2 First)

Quote : "Even married people were once strangers.
Therefore, without patience and the effort to understand one another, things are likely not to go well.
We need patience in order to become happy.
There are many who dream about experiencing happiness without the patience.
But that is a dream. And a dream is just that--a dream, a fairy tale.
It is to wish for a childish, easy life. This illusion breaks up many marriages.
The pursuit of such happiness can only make one miserable.
It is important to make the effort to calmly construct something together.
From there, real love develops. Love deepens.
Love that does not is merely on the level of simple likes and dislikes."


The date is the 23rd of February... Its a Monday...
On this monday morning...
I was tired and really grumpy...
Again.. Her phone ran out of battery the night before...
Its been happening almost everynight.. after 8.30pm.. There's never a reply...
Until the next morning when I have to start the conversation for the day again... day after day..
I asked her in the moring..
"Why dont you charge your phone when it goes flat?"
She replies..
"I do! Its just that I dont turn it back on when its charging.."

Me being pretty confused asked her why doesnt she turn it on and reply??
She tells me thats he "cbf" turning it on..
(for people who dont know what cbf means... it means Cant Be F****ed)
And Im just sitting there... wondering what does she mean by Cbf to turn it on??
Too lazy to even reply?
Every night.. Even though I dont get a reply... I'd Always message her a goodnight txt... No matter what..
Thinking she might one day return that txt... And see just how commited I am to her.. But no.. it never happened
I ask her what do you mean cbf??
cbf turning your phone to even say good night??


This is like a routine for her...
She doesnt even apologize properly anymore..
From.. "I'm so sorry I never replied last night! My fone died >.< Morning!"
To.. " Soz for not replying.. you know the drill >.< Morning! "

How can she keep doing this? Of course i got mad...
I said some pretty harsh words...
Like you dont want to talk to me any more.. you dont even call me.. You dont even make the effort to turn on your phone to even say goodnight!
She says its not true..
I told her i didnt believe her...
She says " Fine then! Believe what ever you want!"
I got pissed and txted a long txt saying.. "You know what?? I dont know why I even bother to stay up late till 11.30 sitting in bed waiting for something.. something from you.. But what do I get? Nothing! I dont know why I even bother so say goodnight to you.. even though I know I'll never get a reply... I dont know why I put so much effort into you... I just feel so... unappreciated.."

And thats when Silence hits...
She doesnt say anything..
its 5pm and I msg her asking if she is angry at me...
She says she's not... and that she is thinking alot..
and will talk to me tomorrow..

I was scared..
I said that I didnt really mean it that badly this morning.. and apologized..
She says its not me.. Its to do with her.. She needs to sort out how she is feeling...
And at this moment in time.. Im basically scared shitless...
I say to her... whatever it is.. please talk to me...
she says.. no.. I cant help her..
I say okay... just please.. Dont end this relationship... please dont...
She says she doesnt know.. and will talk to me tomorrow.... That night...
Was spent in complete fear.. 1 night of uncertainty... confusion...
I prayed hard that things wont get worse...

In the morning...
On the 27th of February...
Its supposed to be our 4th month anniversary...
I wished her in the morning... but nothing comes back.. I didnt expect anything...
A day in school goes past...
Thinking throughout every class what was going to happen tonight when she comes online...
I felt soo helpless..
I regretted saying those things the day before...
We were supposed to meet up that very weekend..
I wanted to make it up to her for the last meeting we had.. which was very awkward..
I thought that if I just do what I feel is right to do..
Everything MIGHT just go back to where it was...
Oh how I wish I still had that chance...

At exactly 10.31pm...
She came online..
"ummm...i've been thinking lots...."
"and...."
"god, my minds real messed up atm..."
"Im lost... i really dont even know whats going on.."
"Ashley...i think we need to break up"
"i just....dont feel..."
"why....?"
"dont feel what?"
"dont feel...like i love you that much anymore"
"I'll be honest with you, when we first started going out, i only did it cos i didnt want to hurt you by turning you down...but...after a while, i did fall in love with you"
"I dont know how...but somewhere along the way...i just lost it..."
"I just...want to be friends ashley..."

(Okay at this point of time... I was really really messed up already... Confused and struggling to understand...)
I was terrified...
I didnt know whether I could convince her this time...

I tried to understand why...
I had always blamed the holiday or myself on why it ended..
I still do..

I'd say it was the holidays.. but she would just say it was her..
"no...its me"
"i'm just not into it anymore"
"the entire time, i've been teling myself that its cos we were only going out for a month, and then we were away from each other for 2 months"
"but that is true"
"but i cant lie anymore...not to you, not to myself..."
"lying is the one thing i said i didnt want"

I still couldnt understand...
"but ashley...what kind of relationship is this if i cant give 100%?"
"but you could learn to give that eventually"
"i mean these things take time.."
"ive been trying"
"but no matter how many times we go out, i will always think of this..."

I kept trying to say it was my fault...
Like the last time we went out for that movie..
I didnt dare to hold her hand.. I didnt know whether she changed her mind the first time out of pity.. or was it really what she wanted..

"See? thats the thing...i didnt even think to hold your hand...it didnt even cross my mind till we were walking back..."
"if stuff like that is happening...then this relationship isnt right"
"but it was mainly cause of the week before"
"the whole thing that built up over the hols.."
"the last prayer group.. "
"everything adds up to this awkwardness"
"no ashley..."
"I cant do this anymore..."
"Its unfair on you"
"i mean, i love you... but i feel like its just as a friend"

At this point... I really was helpless..
What can I say to change her mind?? What can I possibly do to even remotely convince her??
She already had a mind set...
She said she loved me.. But just as a friend..
(It sure didnt feel that way...)

"Okay i admit that i kinda feel the same way you do.."
"but i do believe the fire can be rekindled.."
"its not simple either.. but im willing to do anything"
"but...what if i said that i wanted to move on...?"

What could I say to that??.... Tell me... What could I have possibly done?

"I...."
"I wouldnt know what to say..."
"please dont hate me... >.<"
"but i just want to be friends now..."
"this is so unfair..."
"im sorry..."

Thats all she ever says... She's sorry...
"why do you want to break my heart?"
"because...if it carries on like this...you are just going to be hurt even more.."
"is it cause im not good enough?"
"no!"
"cause ive never felt like i was ever good enough..."
"no! no!"
"but i tried so hard to make you happy"
"its not cos of that!"
"i mean, did i not succeed before the holidays"
"I mean i kinda already knew you went out with me at first outta pity.."
"you did!"
"I told you! i did fall in love with you"

Okay.. Bear with me now.. This is where I got pretty damn emo....
I kept blaming it on myself...

"dont blame it on you"
"its me...ive just lost it..."
"no dont say that.."
"i think youd be better off with someone else"

now that I think about it.... You just dont say those kind of things...
It hurts to think that you'd rather have me be with someone else.. when all i ever wanted was you...

"i dont have anyone.."
"i dont want anyone else.."
"what did i do to make u fall in love with me the first time.."
"i dont know..."
"i just did..."
"and i lost it the same way..."
"i dont know...i just...didnt feel it anymore"

The least I wanted to settle with were some answers.. but all i ever got was I Dont Know..
I mean how can you not know?? Theres a reason for everything...
Yet you dont know... (She did know why... she just didnt want to tell me..)

"You know how i told you that when i was with my first boyf, when i came back from indo i was crying everynight for the next 2 weeks...?"
"you didnt feel that way with me didnt you....."
"no... =[ "

This is where it just made no sense to me...
I mean how can you say you loved me before.. And yet you never ever missed me that much when you were overseas...
How could you say that?
If you didnt feel that as you did with him.. then you never really loved me...
Truely honestly.. Do you really expect me to believe you?

"i dunno why but i was thinking that your past relationships have closed yourself in.."
"no...ive always been like that..."
"no one will ever know every single one of my secrets"
"i just like it that way"

Now see here..
How can you be in a serious relationship.. when you dont even open up...
Your not supposed to keep secrets from one another...
The whole idea of dating is to know the other person well..
Learn to trust them..
Make them happy..
I was open with her... She knows most secrets that no one even knew about me...
There isnt anything that I wouldnt tell her...

"i dont know what its like to be left alone for 3 months"
"or what its like to be cheated on.."
"are you afraid that i would break your heart?"
"or were you ever?"
"no...i knew that you would never do anything like that..."
"but you still hesitated to open yourself up"
"i dunno...i guess thats just who i am..."
"but if you wont open up to me then youll probably never open up.."
"and it will always end the same way.."

I felt like it was this that ended it all..
Ever since she got back from the holidays... Its been so different..
You never really gave it a 2nd chance..
You closed that door in your heart.. and you say youve tried ...
How can you say youve tried but yet closed every door for me...

"ashley...please... if we carry on with this relationship...things arent going to be that same..."
"please can we be friends"
"but isnt it worth a try?"
"if it isnt gonna work then the outcome would be the same"
"im just tired, and exhausted..."
"ive been thinking about this non-stop"
"please...i know that you wont give up..."
"im not the only person for you"
"there are thousands of other girls that would be perfect with you"
"no there wouldnt.."
"yes there would"
"im exhausted...i cant go on..."

Like I said.. pretty emo at the time..
I was thinking this at the time... I was sad yet angry...
She said she had been thinking about this non-stop...
It had only been 1 day of thinking....
I spent a whole week thinking about what was going to happen after Chinese new year...
And that was hell for me...
Dont you just hate it when someone tells you to just look somewhere else??
Shes exhausted from this situation....
This doesnt even come remotely close to what I will go through in the coming months...

"if you think that it wont work then it wont....."
"did you ever believe it would work?"
"i dont know..."
"i never really thought about that until recently"

Theres the proof right there.. Proof that she never really believed it would even work..
She never even thought about it...
It was doomed to end from the start..
How is it possible for something to be successful when you never believed in it at the first place...

This is when i gave up... I Couldnt convince her.. She had her mind set... There was no other way..

"Your past 2 boyf's.. 2 people who you fell in love with.. you believed that they both could work.. and yes they made you believe it could.. but they lied.. they broke your heart... but now theres someone who truely believes it could work but your pushing him away..."
"ashley...i just dont think that youre the right one for me..."
"I cant change your mind...."
"i just hope you dont regret it someday.." (Will never happen)
"so can we be friends...?"
"i know we can... i just wish we were more..."
"im positive that you will find another girl that will make you so happy again"

Super Emo bits... T_T
"maybe in 3 years.."
"I cant do anything cause im in the army.."
"i just want you to know, that i am here for you"

Oh how I actually wish you stuck to what you say...

"well...im sure things will get better"
"well thats what i thought.."
"I hit rock bottom in may last year..."
"thought things were getting better by the end of the year"
"thought things could only get better"
"thought we could continue how things were"
"i guess i was wrong."
"im sorry..."
"im so sorry..."

More very emo bits.. Which i shall not include for my sake...
Way too emo and I agree with that >.< style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);" size="2" face="Comic Sans MS">"you know what? i may have just broken up with you, but i am still your friend, and i am going to slap some damn sense into you next time i see you! youre being so emo!"

If she was truely my friend.. She wouldnt have done the things she was about to do in the coming months...

She said goodnight in our own way of saying...
She said it like she was happy...
"goodnight"
"sweet dreams U EGB" (do not ask what EGB means...)
"well your taking this well.."
"im trying to be positive..."
"you positive?"
"you always have doubts"
"well, im trying to ignore them..."
"you cant ignore everthing"
"i know..but i can try"
"this wasnt easy you know" (sure it wasnt... lets see how things are a month from now)
"well it never seems to work"
"all you ever do is try"
"well at least u had a choice"
"You pick the short straw the next time.."
"if you hate me, i understand i just want to let you know that, i still consider myself as your friend, and i will be here for you if you ever need someone to talk to... goodnight"

Yes I know.. I was pretty damn f***ing emo..
But I was heart broken...
I really felt like i lost everything...
It was so unfair on me... I didnt deserve this...
I didnt know what to feel really..
So low.. lower than Id ever expected..
I never knew how much it hurts...
unrequited love.. such a terrible thing...
She will never ever know how this feels like... Till the day someone does it to her...
She has never had anyone say to her.. That they dont love you anymore...

You all dont really want to know what I did all night... I didnt catch a wink of sleep...
She slept well apparently... Just shows how much it bothered her.. if it even bothered her at all..
She thinks that everything could go back normally without any consequences for her actions...

Just when I thought that this was the worst nightmare ever... and it couldnt get any worse..
Being dumped online... Without having the guts to even say it to my face...
Dumped by the 1 person you thought you could have faith in... by my own 'best' friend..

Oh how I was soo wrong... This was just the start of the nightmare she was going to put me through...

End of Part 3....
Part 4.. will be out sunday?
I dont know...
After this one.. I really feel like breaking down...


Its not over.. Far from it.. (even now)
Ash,