Love from my experience.. Part 2... Read Part 1 first before reading this...

I saved this horoscope that I found very meaningful...

"You can never get a positive outcome on a project or in a competition if all you do is focus on negative energy.
See the bright side of things and stop dwelling on the bad things that are holding you back -- just pretend that they don't exist!
There is so much hope in your life, and you need to start recognizing it. "

The bottom line is...
"You can't get a positive outcome if all you do is focus on negative stuff."

That was one of many horoscopes I had...
You see.. back in August last year.. Me and her started this thing..
I did it to get to know her better.. I wanted to know things about her and what she thought about certain ideas...
So I decided to do a daily horoscope.. Where we'd check it everyday for both our signs..
Me being a Virgo and her a Scorpio..
I'd txt the horoscope to her or msn it...
And just talk about it.. and see how it related to our life at that moment in time..
It was great you know... I loved those times when we shared our thoughts...

I remember the first time I checked the horoscopes...
We were making up funny acronyms.
It all started with my old homestay Johnpaul..
who at the time was obsessed with the world 'rad'..
Saying everything was so rad..
So me and her thought of turning it into acronyms..
It was all fun back then...

RAD = Really Amazingly Dry..
We just laughed at it.. It was like our very own language..
Anyways.. We were making up new ones on that night..
(Im not gonna give you anymore examples cause its really lame but it was something we shared.. and I'll never forget)

Back to the point of horoscopes!
That first night.. The horoscope of mine was:
"A friend is about to take a big risk, and you are worried -- and torn. You want to keep them from making a mistake, but you don't want them to think you don't believe in them. Just try to do your best to help them see things more conservatively -- alert them to the downside of their idea, and what could happen. Ask them if they are ready for a worse case scenario."

And I asked her if there were any risks she was about to take in her life..
She told me about how she didnt know what to do with a friend of hers...
She liked him and he liked her..
He asked her out.. but she didnt know whether to say yes.. Cause she didnt want to lie to her parents like she did with her past relationships...

Then I checked her Horoscope for that day..

"Take one last look at the small print before you sign on to anything today -- you can't take anything for granted right now. It's not that people are trying to trick you, it's just that you need to get more proactive about evaluating what you associate yourself with. Taking shortcuts will only get you lost. There is just too much uncertainty in the world for you to assume that something is on the up and up just because someone else says so. Be more cynical for the next few days."

Which at that point of time.. Totally fit the situation.

I asked her to rethink about everything..
You see.. the boy is overseas... And they a countries apart..
And getting together on a long distance relationship is a hard decision...
Thinking about the things like.. How is it going to work out??
She didnt know...
I say its a struggle.. The uncertainty of a long distance relationships is the worst..
Never knowing whether he may have ulterior motives..
I mean the things he says may be sweet and so caring.. But you never know the truth... Until its too late...
Cause in text.. It can mean anything..
Words are words.. But actions are the ones that justify the words..
Even that might not be enough.. The only way to know is when the hard times roll in..
If its true then surely he would try hard to fix things..
Its just too unknown..
And then I went on a tangent and talked about myself for awhile..
I talked about my depressing past...
Now looking back at these chat logs..
I see something you once said to me...

"there are some things that people just cant get over....its part of life"

And I hope you read this and remember..
Yes it is part of life... And there are things people cant get over..
This is one of them.. *sigh*

(still looking at old chat logs)
Haha.. I remember the old days...
Once,
You told me you had to get 100% in a test for Chinese inorder to be allowed to get an iPod..
But you couldn't remember 3 or 4 characters in the test.. so your friend wrote it down for you when the teacher wasnt looking...
Cheater.!
I smile as I read back on these...
Such fond memories I hold on to...
What ever happened to it all... ? The cheerfulness.. The excitement...
Where did it all go..?

I dont know.. I cant answer all these...
She used to share with me everybit of detail of her life..
Everyday.. just sharing bits of the day... No matter how small and insignificant.. or even how irrelevant it is to anything.. its just nice to know..
I wanted to know you for who you are as a whole..
No secrets.. Just be open.. Its the only way a true relationship would work out eventually..

It meant alot to me when you shared..
Oh how things have changed...

And this brings me to the next part...

That very night (continued from part 1)
I felt so empty. It came as a shock to me..
I just thought about the past.. during CNY and what she said..
She agreed to stay with me to figure things out..
but now suddenly it all changed. I was so confused..
I didnt sleep until 5am that night...
Even though I was in bed before midnight.. I just couldnt sleep..
I was up thinking... just thinking...
Hard to admit but... I was balling my eyes out in tears..

Just 1 of the several sleepless nights..

The next day,
We didnt txt each other at all..
But that very night...I was going to a family prayer group that I go to once every month..
This group is the same exact group.. I met her at...
I didnt know how to face her anymore..
I didnt know what to say.. How to act.. I didnt know what to do around her..
It just felt so different..

I was fine chatting to the other teenagers there.. until she stepped in...
As you can imagine.. I havent been in a friendly situation with her in almost a month..
I missed her alot.. yet I couldnt do anything..
She was wearing a yellow blouse and a blue denim skirt..
She looked wonderful yet.. I just didnt feel the same..
Just looking at her made me sad..
The first half of the night was spent just talking to the uncles.. Cause she was there chatting the teens..
And I didnt want to be there.. I wanted to just go home..
But I plucked up some courage and went over and joined the conversation..
Talking to everyone in general.. as I still couldnt face her..
We didnt have anything to do so we played a board game.. I cant remember the name but we had fun..
I felt good at that point.. I kind of forgot about everything for an hour and just enjoyed myself..
When she had to go home...
The moment she stepped out the door..
It was just me and Pat left out of the 3 other teenagers..
I dont know what hit me.. but i had to bury my head in the cushions...
Pat knew about the situation cause she told her about it that very night..
She told me to cheer up.. and said these words to me..

"Its not that she doesnt like you anymore... Its just that she doesnt want it to be a secret to her parents."

I know it may sound stupid.. But that kinda woke me up..
Even though thats exactly what she has been saying all along.. When you hear it from someone else.. It just has different effects.. I felt like she didnt love me anymore.. But it wasnt that..
(so I thought)
So that very night, feeling alot better about myself..
I started to chat with her..
(Okay.. I was just feeling depressed that day.. I dont know what I was doing.. I was deperate for her..)
I was trying to convice her to change her mind..
But It didnt seem to work...
I spoke my mind...
I said that the main reason I didnt want to let you go.. Was that I was afraid..
*chat log*
"afraid?? of what?"
"afraid of losing you to someone else"
"cause you have a history..."
"what do you mean by a history?"
"after a break up you seem to find a someone else within a few months.."
"no...this time im trying to not do that..."
"im trying to stay true to mum..."
"it scares me cause id never know about it until its too late.."
"but...i really am going to try not to do that.."
"trying doesnt mean it wont happen.."
"but it also can mean that it actually wont happen..."
"then say it wont.."
"okay. it wont happen"

She said it wouldnt happen...
(But thats for another time..)
I didnt give up on trying to convince her..
I told her that It would have been soo different if the holidays didnt happen..
I mean we've only been together for a Month or so.. And the holidays dont really count..
And the time we had in Singapore was so limited.. and we couldnt do much as we were being monitered...
I said that we were so distant until two days ago...
When suddenly you decided to let it all go..
No warning..
She says the guilt built over the holidays...
I mean she had no one to share it with.. It was stuck in her head the entire holidays.. never telling.. It just kept growing.. Until she couldnt do it anymore..
But I said just settle down abit first..
I was begging her to reconsider..
Just go out once more.. See if things could work out still..
she finally agreed..
I said we wouldnt lie about our next outing..
Just go for a movie.. Telling her mom it was going to be just Me, her and a couple of my friends..
She said okay..
I'd say we can take things slowly.. Just grow back everything slowly.

"being with you is all i need."

By then it was 1.51am
I felt alot better.. I got back my gf.. And thought everything will go back after a few weeks..

A week passes.. We take things slowly..
We still txt the normal things..
But her original phone broke on holidays.. and the replacement phone has a really bad battery and has a tendency to run out before the night ends..
At this point in time.. I was still very confused..
I didnt know if she changed her mind out of pity.. or if she really wanted to continue..
I didnt know her battery ran out.. I thought she was ignoring me or something..
I got angry at her once.. cause I did not know..
I wasnt myself then..
I got angry at her again.. She lied to me about sleeping again..
Same situation again..
She thought I couldnt see her online just cause she blocked me...
Why?
I still couldnt understand..
Did I not deserve the truth?
Why do you lie in a relationship?
Again in just a week..
I was losing trust in her..
I felt something was becoming very wrong..

The day after valentines day...
We went to see a movie together..
We saw "He's Just Not That Into You".. What a horrible choice for the situation..
I mean that day was just awkward..
I didnt feel right.. I was still confused
She was acting weird as well...
We didnt even hold hands that day..
3 days before.. I thought of making an origami rose for her...
Cause someone said to me its a great gift..
He said : "If someone ever makes you an origami rose.. you god damn better be thankful! Cause their F****ing hard to make"
So took up the challenge...
I couldnt make it when my brothers are around.. I couldnt let anyone see me...
I snuck Coloured paper in my closet..
Id wake up at 4 am in the morning just to try make them.. Failing time and time again.. over 20 wasted sheets..
I thought that the effort was worth it all... Id give up my sleep for her.. I would have done anything..
And that very morning on the 15th of Febuary.. I got up at 5am just to make this paper rose...
Hoping I'd finally succed to make at least one..
I did it on the first go.. I made her a Origami gift box to go along with it...
Decorated it with a green back paper so it looked like grass...
Found an extra Ferrero Rosher and placed it in the flower..
Boxed it up and went back to bed about 7am..

I couldnt give her a real one.. Her mom would find out then..
When I finally gave her that rose..
She didnt look that.. satisfied..
It was like she didnt appreciate the flower..
I felt terrible.. I mean she looked at it for 10 seconds before putting it down..
And just said thank you as kissed me..
I guess she doesnt know how much effort I put into it...
I spent over 7 hours working on a proper rose...
Was it all for nothing??


2 weeks pass..
I notice things are very different..
I didnt tell her.. But I noticed she doesnt share anymore..
Asking her about her day just come back with replies like
"It was okay", "it was good"
Id ask if anything interesting happened..
and everytime its a no.. Just a regular day...
For almost everyday... It was different before..
There was always something every 2 or 3 days.. and she'd always seem so happy about it..
Id ask at times if anything was wrong and shed just give a smiley '=]' and say everything was fine..

I said to her that I dont really trust people often..
Its hard for me to trust someone..
She asked "how long must you know someone until you trust them"?
I said.. Its not about how long I've known them.. its all about how much I know them...
Its sad to say this.. But I lied to you...
I said I trusted you.. but i only said it cause it was the right thing to say...
I kind of lost trust in you... Its just the lies..
Bedtimes is one thing... but is there others I dont know about?

I did trust you..
You were the only one I can say I trusted fully in my life..
I would have told you anything... Any secret...
Its hard to earn my trust... and its so easy to lose it..
You were the first person I can say I trully Loved...
When I said I loved you...
I meant so much more..
To me.. Love wasnt just a feeling of wanting to be there with someone. That's just infatuation... To me love is the never ending need to care for someone.. Being there through the ups and downs of life.. Making that one person happy... Even for the sake of your own hapiness.. Respecting one another.. And trusting everything to that person.. Doing anything for that one..

Did I not try hard enough? I know I was all new to this... I did not know what to do... I played it safe by not risking things... I didn't want to lose you... That's the only thing that kept me back... You don't know just how much you meant to me..

End of part 2..
I'll post part 3 on friday...
I need break from this... sigh*

Ash,