Quote: "Love is often portrayed as being divinely blessed, either by Cupid, an angel, or by God Himself."
Love is a very two sided thing.. Even given the best of beginnings.. There is always the potential for a sad conclusion...
Quote: "After all, love is like a flame because it can ignite the blaze of passion, but also because it can consume and destroy if used carelessly. Love is a wonderful thing, but profane or unrequited love has the power to tear families and lives apart."
Lets start from the beginning of the end...
Date: January 27 2009 (CNY)
Approx time: (GMT+8) 7:30pm..
Its chinese new year.. while having probably the best time ever. Gambling, playing cards with my cousins.. Just having a wonderful time..
But in the back of my mind I was waiting... waiting for a txt.. From her. (Lets just call 'her' using pronouns.. so I dont point names)
A txt that wishes "us" (or what was) a happy 3rd month anniversary..
7:45pm:
Received a txt from her asking for my address as she left her FOB cd at her uncles place when she was in singapore.. But that was it.. no message of celebration.. none what so ever..
Replied back asking if she forgot..
Turns out she did.. And apologizes.. with a sorry and a line "we need to talk".. the cliche sentence to say its over..
Broken spirited and broken hearted.. Hiding my face from all my relatives on the couch.. Trying not to cry.. Pretending to be sleepy..
With hesitation I asked her why...
She tells me its 'not you its me'.. She doesnt want to keep secrets from her parents anymore.. she cant keep lying to them... especially her mom.. For reasons I have to keep confidential... (I made a Promise)
And that she says that when she says 'I love you'.. She doesnt mean it as much as I do..
At this point we havent seen each other in a long time due to the holidays... We were in different countries..
So im sitting there wondering what she meant by "mean it more than I do"
I thought it was cause we havent been together for long.. We only got together for a month before the long holidays..
I told her to think of other options.. stay with me and we'll sort this out together...
Me being the stupid optimistic person I believed her...
Saying that when we get back to nz we will talk things out...
The next 9 nights before returning were spent in fear...
When she arrived back in nz..
I chatted to her online..
Date: Febuary 9th
Time: 9:30pm
Thought everything was alright..
we talked as if nothing has changed.. I thought it could go back to the way it was..
I organized with her to meet up to talk things out..
Finally sorted at 12.30am
Being tired I was going to bed...
I asked her to go to bed too cause we were going to meet up quite early...
She just arrived and needed some rest (at least i thought)
She agrees and we say good night..
But noticed she logged off instantly after saying gdnite.. And anyone who uses msn as much as I do would know that could only mean that she quit msn herself and didnt shut down...
As she uses Yahoo msger as well.. I log in on a hunch that shes still there...
*logs in*
And there she is.. online..
5 seconds later shes gone.. using a Yahoo checker.. shes still online...
I ask her why she hides and lies to me..
She tells me its cause she doesnt want to have an argument with me..
I tell her I wouldnt over bedtimes... She just apologizes..
At that point I cant help to feel that if she has the capacity to lie about the simple things of bedtimes... what else could she be capable of...
She gets disconnected and I receieve a txt saying: (from what i can remember)
"Im sorry I didnt reply on yahoo... I got disconnected and my dad asked me to sleep.. I dont suppose you want to meet up tomorrow anymore after this... but if you still do tell me"
Of course I still wanted to talk...
I replied and said my goodnights..
The following morning.. waking up to the day, waking up confused and left dumbfounded on what is going to happen...
When I nearly reach the place we were meeting.. I see her there.. looking so sad..
I walk up to her.. all she says is "Im sorry about last night"...
walking beside me with her head down.. we find somewhere to sit..
The first thing that came out of her.. was a tear...
and a sad story telling me of how she loves me but we cant be together...
We cant because the guilt she has from lying to her parents is too much..
And she suggests we take a 'break'
She tells me she doesnt want to lose me as a friend... and just wants us to go back to the way it was before it all..
By now her eyes are filled with tears.. tears rolling down her cheeks.. I wanted to hold her so tight and tell her everything was alright.. but it wasnt...
She wanted some sort of reply from me.. but I didnt have anything to say...
She got angry at me
I didn't know what to say... I really did not know... And I do feel bad..
It was just such a shock.. I didnt know how to feel.. Didnt know how to say what I felt at that moment.. And Im sorry...
I wanted to say no but I couldn't..
I couldn't stand seeing you cry... It hurts just looking at you... Tears rolling down.. with a frown..
I just wanted to see you smile... I wanted everything to go back to the way it was before the holidays..
I didn't want it to end.. I thought we had something real.. I thought you were happy... I loved you..
I thought I could be a reason for you to be strong..
You've always told me to be strong... And I've tried hard... I kept to my word..
You tell me that you weren't as strong as you thought you were...
We sit there in silence for the next 30 mins...
I was so confused.. I didn't know what to do..
You had to go home...
You gave me a hug that felt so genuine.. something that ive missed for so long...
And said sorry..
But this time it wasn't the same.. It wasn't a joyous ending..
As you moved away.. I held your hand and kept you close..
I wanted to kiss you so badly.. but..
I dont know..
I didnt know if I should.. I didnt know anything anymore..
A day before I thought it could go back to where we left off...
The happiest days of my life.
I walked her to the bus stop... trailing behind.. taking glances at her..
As we wait for the bus.. I stand there thinking to myself... Its not about what I want.. Its about her.. If I let her go... and if our love was true.. then she would come back to me..
I tell her okay.. and agree to take a break..
I was curious and asked about what she meant by a 'break'..
and how long...
I said maybe a couple of months??
She tells me.. yeah.. or maybe never..
My heart sinks as the bus pulls in...
She kisses me on the cheeks and says thank you...
As the bus rolls away.. I see her give me this smile..
A smile you just cant not smile back to...
but what she couldn't see was a tear... rolling down my cheeks...
As I walk home in sorrow.. head down.. pacing slow... thinking about everything..
About how I spent the last 2 months sleepless at night just thinking of her... dreaming of holding her one more time.. Looking into those beautiful eyes as be brought our heads near.. Just before we kissed.. Just wishing to be together again...
It felt like it was all gone... I dreamed for an entire holiday.. only to be left with..
Nothing...
I will finish this post in another time...
Ash,
Monday, June 1, 2009
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wowwies.
ReplyDeletesucks mate
but.
you probably know as well that its most likely that the break will be... never. even if so after a few months the break is over and shes come back then what? the amount of akwardness O.o things will never be the same as they were. sometimes... sometimes you just have to let it go mate. not holding onto something that deep down you know will probably not come true.
that is why people take a life time to find someone who can love you as much as you love them. that is also a reason why you won't want to fall into the friend circle or transitioning from a close friend -> girlfriend cos if the outcome is bad you're screwed.
life is long mate. life is long.