Regurgitation of the past

Im getting rid of everything soon..
so I'll just post this personal email.. that she sent.. and i replied..
In my usual.. Waffle manner.. Long!
This was in april.. after i'd just had enough of her antics and stupid mind games...

Well...I don't know what to say except I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for not listening to you..about everything...
I appreciate the fact that even after all the shit I put you through...you still want to look out for me...even if it does mean us fighting.

Mates before dates, bros before hoes...I will talk to _____ about everything the next time I talk to him, and I will back down if thats what you want...
I'm sorry I let my heart get the better of me at times...

I just want you to know that I never used you to get over anyone.
And that is the absolute truth.

I hope you have a safe trip to sg...
Hope you have fun.

The thing was.. it took her a week to come up with that...
Now.. would u think there was much thought and effort put into an apology like that?
of course.. I was pissed!
And yes.. i was on holiday.. what a mood killer..

I replied:
Its not what I want...
Dont you dare say your backing down this cause it what I WANT...
Its your Life.. Your decisions.. Do it for your own sake...
Its for your own good... When will you realise this...
If you dont want to be hurt then just listen..
I DO NOT do this cause I want to!!
But I feel like its my responsibility as a friend to keep you safe... No matter or not if you deserve it.. Or how much i resent even helping..

Talking to him the way now is already breaking the promise..
(They we're flirting even though she promised nothing was gonna happened... it was a promose to herself!)
Hooking up doesnt mean anything.. it just makes things official..
If you talk to him like this.. then you two are already together..

Just look at your own position right now...
Why do u follow his agenda when you already know it wont work...
everyone wants to be loved... I know...
But you BOTH know its not meant to be yet you both talk as if you two are together!!
I mean how ridiculous is that?
Stop playing along with his games..
He may seem to do things to show he likes you.. And you think he must since he made the effort to do such things...
Stop reacting to everything he says!
Then think why does he say sweet things even though you two wont EVER be together..
Cant you see he is sweet talking the hell out of you??
NO one is ever that nice.. NO ONE.... Its impossible..

Your so used to the fabricated truth that you dont even realise it...
He just says the things YOU want to hear...
Sure it feels all good and warm..
well learn to live without it..
Loving someone isnt about the sweet words.. Its about trust... And knowing one another..
Tell me does he even know your favourite colours? inorder of preference?.. I Think not...

Thats the method of sweet talking...
Just ask any guy... Its the truth..
You need to learn to realise it...
And youve learnt so well to fabricate your own situation so you feel good...
Know your true friends... Learn to decipher the truth from the lies..
Stop being a fool and believing everything..
Dont just questions the little things..
Question everything...
Your on a collision course to pain..
And if you dont believe me then its your doom..
Not mine..

You are confused and you dont know what to do..
So dont do anything to make things worse...
And stop calling yourself a screw up...
Saying these things doesnt do ANYTHING helpful at all..
If you believe what you say, then you are what you say you are..
A Screw up....and you'll never change then..

Wheres your self esteem?? Have some respect for yourself..
Stop throwing yourself to others..
Get a grip at your own life! Pull yourself back up..
You dont need someone who says nice things to be there to be happy..
One day you will thank me for doing this....

Its clear that you have not thought this out clearly enough...
A week to think is not enough.. Dont rush things... Its never that simple...
The word sorry isnt going to make things fade away...
You need to take a time out... Just Stop talking to everyone.. and just THINK...
Stay off the internet and dont talk to anyone online..
Just give YOURSELF some space...
Lay back and look at your own situation...
Get a clear head..
Stay away from all distractions..
Especially Him... (Should have said just Him and not everyone)
And If he says im trying to do something to take you away then SCREW HIM..
Thats the no.1 sign that he doesnt care about what your feelings...
Give yourself 2 weeks or so.. Just Stay away.. Dont tempt yourself..
(She promised me that she'd do it on MSN... She broke it 3 days later)

I swear to you this...
If it doesnt help then Ill leave you alone forever..
When you come have a clear mind then come and talk to me...
Dont give me half thought out answers... (pissed)

Talk to your friends.. Especially ____.. Shes such a good friend to you... yet.. She doesnt even know your situation.. Just spend time talking to her about it...
Like you said.. Mates before Dates..
Talk to her..
She deserves to know.. Tell her the truth.. dont change to words to make things sound nicer.. Just say the truth..
Dont fabricate things..
Even if its something she doesnt like.. just say it..
If its one person u can truly trust completely.. Its her..
Take one day to just sit down and have a one on one conversation... hear her thoughts on it.. It might help..
Maybe you'll come to a resolution..

I need time and space too..
Maybe I'll talk to you after the hols..
Right now I just cant take it..
You have a good holiday too...


Finally.. Got more things out...
And yes its holidays now! And ive never been happier the entire year!
Somethings have changed..
but Im living life well..
I've changed...
I'm definately not that weak boy that you once could push around.. Not anymore..

Maybe one day I'll forget all this and start fresh...
But thats a long way from now..

Ash,