tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16182062293935690142024-03-14T01:48:02.705+13:00DaybreakAs The Cloud Parted.. The Snow Began To Melt.. The Winter.. My Winter. Ends Here..Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-19765302039932356922010-11-11T17:47:00.001+13:002010-11-12T22:52:16.177+13:00Song Quotes :3Song Quotes from songs in my iPhone! :D<br />
Okay, seriously! I was bored as hell! And I've always wanted to do this!<br />
Although.. I wanna stick them together to make some awesome statements.<br />
Maybe you can join them together and see what you get? And leave a comment to see!!<br />
Here goes!<br />
<br />
Owl City - Cave In<br />
"Please take a long hard look through your textbook cause I'm HISTORY" [Hell yeah]<br />
Just The Way You Are - Bruno Mars<br />
"Her eyes makes the stars look like their not shining"<br />
[Awwww..]<br />
<br />
Cookie Jar - Gym Class Heroes<br />
"Cause I got a sweet tooth, that'll never come loose. And the truth of the matter is! I like girls, they like me! " ;)<br />
<br />
Faithfully - Journey<br />
"I'm forever yours... Faithfully" <3<br />
<br />
I Like That - Static Revenger & Richard Vission<br />
"My body rocks the rhythm, you beat my drum hard!" [I like that! :D ]<br />
<br />
Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5<br />
"It really makes me wonder if I ever gave a FUCK about you!" [That's right]<br />
<br />
Beautiful - Akon<br />
"Like the clouds you, drifting me away. Far away.. And like the sun you, brighten the day" [ :) ]<br />
<br />
Gives You Hell - The All-American Rejects<br />
"You can sing along I hope that it puts you through Hell!" (Y)<br />
<br />
If We Ever Meet Again - Timbaland Ft. Katy Perry<br />
"Say what's somebody like you, doin in a place like this?" [1 2 3 COME ON!]<br />
<br />
Forever - Chris Brown<br />
"Gazing your eyes got me saying. What a Beautiful lady, no depends or maybe's. I'm releasing my heart and I'm feeling amazing. There's no one that matters, you love me." [Forever ever eva!!!]<br />
<br />
The Take Over, The Breaks Over - Fall Out Boy<br />
"Baby, seasons change but People Don't!" [Life lessons there!]<br />
<br />
Top of The World - The All-American Rejects<br />
"Fighting the day I wanna be you, when the top of the world falls on you." [Don't be filled with pride]<br />
<br />
All I Ever Wanted - Basshunter<br />
"All I ever wanted to see you smiling, all I ever wanted was to make you mine. I know that I love you oh baby why can't you see that all I ever wanted was you and me?" [TECHNO RIFT]<br />
<br />
OMG - Usher<br />
"Got me like oh my gosh! I'm sooo in love, I've found you finally." <br />
[D= Oh! Oh! Oh oh oh! Oh! Oh!]<br />
<br />
The Reason - Hoobastank<br />
"I found a reason for me, the change who I used to be... And the reason is YOU" [Funny how we change for the people we love]<br />
<br />
Because Of You - Ne-yo<br />
"I'm taken by the thought of Thee" *dreams*<br />
<br />
It Ends Tonight - The All-American Rejects<br />
"I look at you with such disdain" [looks down]<br />
<br />
Love The Way You Lie - Eminem ft Rihanna<br />
"If she ever tries to leave again, ima tie her to the bed and set this house on fire." [Burn motherfucker burn! Burn!]<br />
<br />
Ocean Avenue - Yellowcard<br />
"If I could find you now things would get better" [Missing You]<br />
<br />
Boulevard Of Broken Dreams - Green Day<br />
"I walk (A Lone)ly road, the only one I've ever known" [I walk alone.]<br />
<br />
Heartbeats - Jose Gonzales<br />
"We had a promise made.. We were in Love" [In love]<br />
<br />
One Step at a time - Jordin Sparks<br />
"Everything that you always dreamed of, close enough for you to taste, but you just can't touch" [frustrating]<br />
<br />
Insomnia - Craig David<br />
"And then you walked into my life and it was all about us" [Us us US!!]<br />
<br />
Love Drunk - Boys Like Girls<br />
"All the time I wasted on you, All the bullshit you put me through" [Love forever!!! But now its over!! Na na na na!!]<br />
<br />
Magic - B.o.B.<br />
"I've got the magic in me! When I hit the floor! The girls comes snapping at me! Everybody wants the best of magic!" [I got the magic in me!!]<br />
<br />
Always Hurt - David Choi<br />
"I don't wanna give my heart to someone new. I've been there before and it was my heart she tore in two."<br />
[Awwww..*sad version*]<br />
<br />
Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley<br />
"~Never gonna give you up!,<br />
~Never gonna let you down! <br />
~Never gonna run around and<br />
~Hurt you!" [ You got Rick-Rolled Bitches!]<br />
<br />
Jenny - The Click Five <br />
"First you say you won't! Then you say you will. You keep me hanging on, but were not moving on.." [Its killin meee]<br />
<br />
Apologize - One Republic<br />
"I need you like a heart needs a beat" *thump thump*<br />
<br />
Blame it On The Girls - Mika<br />
[I don't need a quote for this! Wahahah!!]<br />
<br />
Just The Girl - The Click Five<br />
"She laughs at my dreams but I dream about her laughter"<br />
[Definitely]<br />
<br />
Nothin' On You - B.o.B.<br />
"No other girls on my brain. And you the one to blame!" [OOOOhoooOOOOhoooo]<br />
<br />
I Got A Feelin' - Black Eyed Peas<br />
"Wooooooohooooooooo! That tonights gonna be a good night" [Alll righhhhhht]<br />
<br />
Cosmic Castaway - Electrasy<br />
"But I'm not broken, and ill dream my way. I'll take over cause I'm no loser" [damn right]<br />
<br />
Breakin' - The All-American Rejects<br />
"You take, take! Everything that wasn't even yours.. But wait, Wait! You don't got a hold of me anymore" [cya]<br />
<br />
Teenage Dream - Katy Perry<br />
"Ima get your heart racing in my skin tight jeans, be your teenage dream tonight" [Hehe]<br />
<br />
Favourite DJ - Clinton Sparks ft Jermain Dupree<br />
"Let me here you say. GO Go! Said Go Deejay!" [Party!!]<br />
<br />
Way I Are - Timbaland ft.Keri Hilson<br />
"I aint got no money" [So true..]<br />
<br />
Ignorance - Paramore<br />
"Well its nice to meet you sir! I guess I'll go. I'll be on my way now!" [Ignores]<br />
<br />
Yeah 3x - Chris Brown<br />
"Hold you glasses up! People everywhere! Now everybody put your hands in the air say!" [YEAH EEE YEAH E YEAH!!]<br />
<br />
Memories - David Guetta<br />
"All the crazy shit I did tonight.. Those will be the best memories" [OO o OO o Oooo hooo]<br />
<br />
Okay, It's Alright With Me - David Hutchinson<br />
"It never comes easily. And when it does I'm already gone" :)<br />
<br />
Umbrella Beach - Owl City<br />
"I'll spread my wings and Fly" ^^<br />
<br />
Hero-Heroine - Boys Like Girls<br />
"Cause you caught me off guard.. Now I'm running a screaming..." [Weeee]<br />
<br />
Vanilla Twilight - Owl City <br />
"The silence isn't so bad. Till I look at my hands and feel sad.. Cause spaces between fingers are right where yours fit perfectly" :(<br />
<br />
That's What You Get - Paramore<br />
"I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating" </3<br />
<br />
In My Head - Jason Derulo<br />
"In my head! I! See! You! All over me!" [Oh lala]<br />
<br />
Digital Love - Daft Punk<br />
"Oh.. I don't know what to do.. About this dream and you... I wish this dream comes true" [have faith]<br />
<br />
Dj Got Us Fallin' In Love - Usher<br />
"Hands up! Though suddenly we all got our hands up!" *raises hand*<br />
<br />
Shadow Of The Day - Linkin Park<br />
"Sometimes beginnings arents so simple.. Sometimes goodbyes the only way" [understanding]<br />
<br />
Knock You Down - Keri Hilson / Ne-Yo / Kanye West<br />
"When it knocks you down.. Just get back up when it knocks you down" [strength!]<br />
<br />
Hey! Soul Sister - Train<br />
"Way you can cut a rug! Watching you is my only drug! I need some gangsta, I'm so thug. Your the only one<br />
I'm dreaming of you see.. I can be myself now finally, infact there's nothing I can't be. I want the world to see you be.. With me" [Soo in love]<br />
<br />
By My Side - David Choi<br />
"I just wanna hold you, I just wanna kiss you.. I just wanna love you all my life.. I normally wouldn't say this but I just can't contain it. I want you here forever.. Right by my side" [Lasting]<br />
<br />
Learning To Fall - Boys Like Girls <br />
"I took one big step and I looked away, and I thought of all the things I wanted to say. I'm always too late! You never got your story straight!" [Speak your mind]<br />
<br />
All These Things That I've Done - The Killers<br />
"I got soul but I'm not a soldier" [hold on]<br />
<br />
Mary Jane - The Click Five<br />
"I didn't cry the day you moved away.. Until I saw the stranger that was you." [Strangers to lovers to strangers]<br />
<br />
Spaceman - The Killer<br />
"The storm maker says it aint so bad, the dream makers gonna mad. The space man says everyone look down, its all in your mind." [Its not as bad as you think]<br />
<br />
Fireflies - Owl City<br />
"Cause I get a thousand hugs, from ten thousand lightning bugs." *Hugs*<br />
<br />
You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift<br />
"Laughing on the park bench thinking to myself.. Isn't this eeeeaasssyyyyy?" [Confidence in what feels right]<br />
<br />
Touch My Hand - David Archuleta<br />
"Something bout the look in your eyes.. Something bout your beautiful face..." [Hey beautiful.. Smile =]<br />
<br />
Saltwater Room - Owl City<br />
"Time together isnt ever quite enough.. When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home." [Alone time is important]<br />
<br />
Starlight - Muse<br />
"Hold you in my arms.. I just wanted to hold... You in my arms...." [Grabs into arms]<br />
<br />
Bulletproof - La Roux<br />
"I'll never let you sweep me off my feet. This time baby. I'll be Bulletproof!" *ricochet sound*<br />
<br />
Stereo Love - Edward Maya<br />
"I can fix up those lies. Oh baby baby run but their running to you. You ask me cry. I'm hiding inside. My heart is in pain but I'm smiling for you" :')<br />
<br />
All On Our Own - Midnight Youth<br />
"And I can see the world.. From a view that never stops.. And if we hold hands we can do this.. Be a dream that life's forgot." [Take a leap of faith tonight]<br />
<br />
Remedy - Little Boots<br />
"No more poison killing my emotions, I will not be frozen. Dancing is my remedy remedy!" *dances*<br />
<br />
Leave Out All The Rest - Linkin Park<br />
"When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed." [Keep me in your memory.. Leave out all the rest]<br />
<br />
I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way I Try To Get You Off -<br />
Fall Out Boy<br />
"Last years wishes are this years Apologies" <br />
<br />
You & Me - Lifehouse<br />
"Cause its you & me.. And all the people with nothing to do and nothing to lose"<br />
<br />
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol<br />
"If I lay here, If I just lay here... Would you lie with me and just forget the world.." [Into the sky]<br />
<br />
New Perspective - Panic! At The Disco<br />
"Stop there! And let me correct it. I wanna live a life from a new perspective" [catch me up I'm getting outta here]<br />
<br />
The Man Who Can't Be Move - The Script<br />
"Cause if one day you wake up and find that your missing me. And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be.. Then you'd come back to the place where'd we meet." [I'm not moving]<br />
<br />
Grenade - Bruno Mars<br />
"I'd catch a grenade for ya..<br />
Throw my head on blade for ya..<br />
Jump infront of a train for ya..<br />
You know I'd do anything for ya<br />
Oooh I would go through all this pain.. <br />
Take a bullet right through my brain!<br />
Yes I would Die for ya..<br />
But you won't do the same.. You wouldn't do the same"<br />
<br />
Pearl - Katy Perry<br />
"Oh she used to be a pearl.. Oh yeah she used to rule the world.. Can't believe she's become a shell of herself.. Cause she used to be a pearl.."<br />
<br />
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz<br />
"I won't hesitate no more, no more. It cannot wait.. I'm Yours!" [MMmmmmhmmm]<br />
<br />
Haven't Met You Yet - Michael Buble<br />
"I might have to wait, I'll never give up. I guess its half timing and the other half's luck" [it so is]<br />
<br />
For A Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic - Paramore<br />
"I never wanted to say this, you never wanted to stay! I put my faith in you, soo much faith and then you. Just threw it away!" [Cherish] <br />
<br />
Mr. Brightside - The Killers<br />
"Jealousy, turning saints into the sea. Turning music Lulabyes. Joking on your allabys but its just the price I pay, destiny is me. Open up my eager eyes.. Cause I'm Mr. Brightside.<br />
<br />
Hedley - Perfect<br />
"I'm Not Perfect But I Keep Trying, Cause That's What I Said I Would Do From The Start" [Persevere]<br />
<br />
Your Guardian Angel - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus <br />
"And now that I'm strong I have figured out, how this world turns cold and it breaks through my souls. And I know deep inside me.. I can be the one." [I know I can be the one]<br />
<br />
Mine - Taylor Swift <br />
"Do you remember we were sitting there by the water, you your arm around me for the first time. I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter.<br />
You are the best thing, that ever been MINE" [You are]<br />
<br />
Ridin' Solo - Jason Derulo<br />
"Putting on my shades to cover up my eyes! Jumping in my ride, I'm heading out tonight. I'm solo. I'm Ridin' Solo" [cheeyah]<br />
<br />
Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson<br />
"And I want you to know. You couldn't have loved me better, but I want you to move on. So I'm already gone." [Moving on]<br />
<br />
Human - The Killers <br />
"Are we human. Or are we dancer?"<br />
<br />
Built To Last - Melee<br />
"Most of all. Its built to last"<br />
<br />
The Only Exception - Paramore<br />
"You are the only exception. And I'm on my way to believing.."<br />
<br />
Mr. Right - A Rocket To The Moon<br />
"You could be the best of me when I'm the worst for you"<br />
<br />
Like We Used To - A Rocket To The Moon<br />
"Will he Love you like I Love you? Will he tell you everyday? Will he make you feel invincible with every word he'll say.. Can you promise me if this is right, don't throw it all away.. Can you do all these things? Will you do all these things? Like we used to...." <br />
<br />
[Info: like she used to promise each other to not throw it away even though he did all those things. He still ended being thrown away.. Ironic or sarcasm?]<br />
88 songs<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
JUST FOR LAUGHS SECTIONS.<br />
-------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
Fuck You - Cee-Lo Green<br />
"Oh shit she's a gold digga! Just thought you should know nigga!" <br />
<br />
In Miami Bitch - LMFAO<br />
"I'M IN MIAMI BITCH!" [LMFAO]<br />
<br />
We Speak No Americano - Yolanda De Cool<br />
"Pa pa Americano!"<br />
<br />
I Like It - Enrique Iglesias<br />
"I! I! I like it! I! I! I like it!"<br />
<br />
Whataya Want From Me - Adam Lambert<br />
"Whataya Want From Mehhhh!?!" [DUH]<br />
<br />
Dynamite - Taio Cruz<br />
"I throw my hands up in the air some times saying AYYYOOOO!" [Fking Gaybo!] Hahahah!!<br />
<br />
Solo - Iyaz<br />
"I don't wanna walk ESS OHH ELLL OHH!"<br />
<br />
Waka Waka - Shakira<br />
"Waka Waka EH EH!" [Whatda fucka EH EH!]<br />
<br />
Don't Trust Me - 3!OH!3<br />
"You tell you boyfriend.. If he says he's god beef, that I'm a vegetarian and I aint fucking scared of him!" [She wants to touch me Woohoo?]<br />
<br />
Shots - LMFAO ft.Lil Jon<br />
"The ladies love us! When we pour shots! They need an excuse.. To suck our cocks! Suck my cock!" [Wahaha!!!]<br />
<br />
Starstrukk - 3!OH!3<br />
"Nice legs daisy dukes makes a man go!" [WOOHOO! <br />
*whistle* ]<br />
<br />
Lil Jon Gets Warped - Lil Jon<br />
"PUT YOUR FUCKING HANDS UP!!"<br />
<br />
Took the Night - Chelley Alvaro Remix<br />
"Hey hey, hey hey hey! I don't care what these chicks say. Yeah I took the night!" [Wooooooop wooop wop wop woooooooop wop wop wop wop!] LOL<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
To be great you have to?<br />
Work it.<br />
HARDER.<br />
Make it.<br />
BETTER.<br />
Do it.<br />
FASTER<br />
Makes us.<br />
STRONGER. <br />
Wise words from the almighty Daft Punk!<br />
102 songs :D<br />
<br />
Leave a message! Thank you!<br />
Ash,Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-24686359203771005972010-11-01T18:57:00.000+13:002010-11-01T18:57:43.283+13:00Arrogance. Ignorance.Damn its been a while since I've touched this blog..<br />
June, July, August, September, October..<br />
Its finally November!<br />
5 months since my previous post.<br />
And I'm wondering.. How is everyone?<br />
If your reading this I'd love to catch up and know how you've been..<br />
I know I haven't kept in contact with many others.. And I have no real good reason to excuse me for not doing so..<br />
So drop me a msg? Or comment? Or msn? Twitter? Or simple! Facebook me.<p>Back to the title!<p><br />
Wow.. <br />
Don't those two words just stick out like a sore thumb? Especially when you find these in someone we know?<p>Both have similarities yet their different..<p>Arrogance.<br />
Definition : "Having or revealing an exaggerated sense of one's own importance or abilities"<p>Ignorance.<br />
Definition: "Lacking knowledge or awareness in general; uneducated or unsophisticated"<br />
(In this case, people who choose to be ignorant, intentional or not)<p>Hmm.. <br />
How to start this?<p>Think*<br />
Thinking*<br />
Still Thinking*<p>Okay let's just put it out..<br />
Most of us, if not all of us.. kinda hates people who are arrogant and ignorant..<br />
Let's not put hate.. Say dislike.<br />
We generally don't have good vibes to someone who portrays an image of either of the two..<p>Similarities between them..<br />
I'd have to say that their both quite negative attributes to one person.<p>Differences?.<br />
Arrogance is more intentional than ignorance..<p>One can choose to be arrogant to people or not.. Simply by holding back his/her pride..<br />
Ignorance on the other hand..<br />
Well. Unintentionally.. One could just not know about something and say something that could accidentally get themselves into trouble.. Just by not knowing it.. (Regardless if they should have known or not)<p>If done intentionally, like purposefully ignored something and then not knowing what needs to be done and what's not supposed to be done.. Then its their fault.. And yes they deserve whatever punishment or treatment as they failed as a proper human to take in necessary things. Things that are essential to getting a job done right. <p>Arrogance..<br />
Simple as the definition has said.<br />
Basically. Pride.<br />
Oh so filled with pride.<br />
Who honestly can say they do not know a single person whom u can say is arrogant and full of pride?<br />
There's always someone..<p>Its always understandable for everyone to have a little bit of that pride that comes up once in a while.. But I don't mind it and it isn't really a huge deal..<p>But those that constantly hammer people with their words.. Flaunting what they have.. Money, Appearances, Friends even Grades!<br />
And worst of all.... Their "rights".. Their rights to always being right.. Ridiculous.<p>(I must admit at times I myself think I'm always right...)<p>Let's face it.. People like them.. What's really going on in their mind? <br />
Do they have like some sick idea that their always better than everyone? I guess so.<br />
Like the world needs to know how great I am and acknowledge them? I guess so too.<p>Many a times have I come so close to whacking some sense into people.. But have never.. Yet...<p>So to all those people.. <br />
Why do you think this way?<br />
I mean honestly? <br />
Do u like people thinking of you in a negative manner..<br />
Do you like being above everyone?<br />
Sure u could be the excellent at something.. But there's always someone better. <br />
Does the response of "yeah yeah" from others not sound sarcastic? With a hint of "I don't wanna hear your bullshit"<p>If you realise that there's something wrong about you.. Well then its time to make an effort to change..<br />
Try once in a while to keep something to yourself..<br />
ESPECIALLY when a friend's really excited about something..<br />
You don't have to always tell a story to be one up from your friend.. <br />
What are you trying to achieve? Honestly?<br />
Making yourself look better? or being a douche by making him look bad..<p>Now let's move on to ignorance..<br />
Okay I'll leave aside the unintentional ignorance bit..<br />
Word of advice to those who get into trouble accidentally without knowing it.. Try ask more questions next time if your unsure of anything.. Safe then sorry right?<p>Those who choose to be ignorant..<br />
We know your excuses..<br />
"Its none of my business"<br />
"Don't ask don't tell"<br />
"I saw it but.. I cbb."<p>Bah list goes on..<p>Ignorance is bliss....<br />
Sure. Definitely it is! <br />
Until you actually need to know something.<p>I'm curious to why they like to know nothing about others..<br />
Is it that they don't want to know so they don't have responsibility or liability of anysort?<br />
That's so selfish though..<br />
But it does show that no one really knows you.. <br />
If you don't take the time to know others, its likely you don't take the time to share with others..<br />
Or worse. Time to get to know yourself..<br />
which I guess could be a reason.. You don't know yourself that your doing such things..<br />
Not knowing the repercussions of your actions.. Because you didn't think about it..<p>(Hmm.. I guess ignorance that's accidental could infact be intentional.. But not always done in a malice kind of manner as you might not know what you have done.. By not knowing) ahhhh mindfuck*<p>Oh man this is tough..<p>More specific things then..<br />
Ignorant to others..<br />
Not getting involved as you don't like responsibility..<br />
If you don't like having responsibility.. How can u say you care for your friends?<br />
It takes time and effort to look out for others.. And that definitely is a responsibility as a friend..<br />
Even worse.. Your lovers.<br />
Ignoring their needs = your grave.<br />
Remember! Needs! Not wants! :)<br />
I mean its both yours and his/her responsibility to look out for one another..<br />
Keep them company when they need you.. Through the highs and lows..<br />
You have to get involved in their life inorder to get anywhere..<br />
Discussing the tough topics before going further on in a relationship.<br />
If you don't respect those things u NEED to have.. Then it will never work.. Other than the basis of pure lust.. Then that's shallow.. Which means:<br />
For a guy.. Your an Ass.<br />
For a girl.. Well ur a bitch.<br />
Put it in real terms.. Harsh but.. Its true..<p>See that's 1 great thing I don't get!<br />
How can a guy be such a douche but still get the good girls (good as in just amazing girls.. Not just physically)<br />
Fancy pancy cliche words.. Which mean nothing other than a trip to get a home run. -.-<br />
Pisses me off so damn much.<p>I'm alittle off topic but stay with me here!<p>So is it the girl being ignorant to not see through the boys lies? Even after friends have told her otherwise?<br />
Or is it just being blinded by love?<p>Tough topic. Up for discussion! Leave a comment on that!<p><br />
<br />
Self-update.<br />
Been 8 months in the army.. Feels like at least double that!<br />
I want to go back to nz and outta this country! Its lacking something.. And I feel like I'm lacking something.<p>Don't get me wrong!<br />
I'm extremely contempt with what I have here.. <br />
I have great friends,<br />
I have fun on the weekends.<br />
There's just the aspect of someone close that's missing..<br />
Yeah I don't really need to say it to catch what I'm trying to show..<p>Hmm..<br />
Somehow I always make this blog seem so sad and depressing..<br />
The fact it! I am happy.. In many ways.. Minus the 1 on top I pointed out..<br />
I feel like the only idiot that smiles in public transport..<br />
And one of the few who actually have their heads up walking in public..<br />
Its saddening! This whole country has people in such depressed moods.. Its hard not for it to be caught..<br />
I realise something.. Where the hells the positivity in this place?<br />
Why is there discrimination everywhere? Where's the encouragement or enlightenment of any sort?<br />
Are we so work focused to not enjoy ourselves?<br />
Countless of times I see people have a laugh one moment to a gloomy face right after..<p>Asian countries are depressing I tell you..<br />
The term work things out with people like doesn't exist.. Its straight to conflict..<br />
What happened to really trying? Even though your in such a heated situation. In the end it will turn out alright cause they want to understand one another.. And well.. Forgive and move on.. <br />
Because that's what true friends do.. They learn from one another.<br />
Tolerance is needed.<br />
Where is the tolerance?<br />
All I see are people backstabbing one another because of 1 incident..<br />
Complaining to one another..<br />
Telling the world about how bad someone is..<br />
I mean come one! 1 wrong doesn't make a right!<br />
If you choose to do the same as the person who has wronged you..<br />
Then you've sunked just as low as he/she has.. And your no better as a human.<p>We need to learn to be resistant to such bullshit in people.<br />
Its inevitable that we will encounter someone who will piss the shit out of us. <br />
But what counts is how we react to it..<br />
And please don't give yourself excuses to why you can't control your temper.<br />
Its a choice. YOUR choice.<p>And yeah..<br />
I'm signing this off.<p>Leave me a comment!<br />
On the top about how things have been!<br />
Also the discussion about ignorance in love..<br />
and the things I pointed out at the end!<p>Please leave some feedback!<br />
if not! Some topics :D<p>Cheers all,<br />
Ash <br />
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld <br />
Powered by Gee! from StarHubAshley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-24034118300981909012010-05-29T04:47:00.001+12:002010-05-29T04:47:27.598+12:00Complacency.<span style="font-size: large;"><i><b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> Complacency</span></b></i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">"</span><b style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">A feeling of contentment or self-satisfaction, especially when coupled with an unawareness of danger, trouble, or controversy."</b><br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Wow.. Its bee</span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">n nearly 2 months since I said I was gonna revive this blog.. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But I guess I've been rather busy with army and stuff.. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So I didnt feel like using my time to blog my views as I want to enjoy my weekends.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Since now I have time.. And feeling kinda crap..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I Miss Everyone...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I'll start off my discussion with reference from my Field Camp experience..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I'll just explain what that is first.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Field camp is a 6 day 5 night training for recruits to experience the outside.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">No bunks.. just tents.. or the hard floor under the open sky..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Learning to fight in different combat situation.. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Well I can say it was absolutely shit...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The weather was the main cause..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Throughout the entire camp I felt really kinda depressed.. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The slightest thought could bring me to tears but I distracted myself with randomness with jokes and positive thinking... Ignoring everything I missed..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">With rain pouring everyday.. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">There was never a moment where my feet felt dry..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Never a point where my uniform didn't stink of the stench of wet grass and mud..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Imagine trying to sleep on the hard ground.. at 1am.. only to be awoken every single night with rain pouring at around 3.45am every morning..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">for 5 nights.. even after a hard days training..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">On the 4th night..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">WELL! All of us recruits call it Operation Teardrop..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Its when the Commanders will turn out all the recruits to form up.. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Where we get tortured physically and verbally...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">All on purpose to make us feel useless and defeated..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">And for good reasons too..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Our parents writes us letters, which get given out during field camp..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">They threatened to burn these letters right in front of us..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">They did burn some.. but fortunately were fakes to scare us..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Some of the things they said really hit me...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I felt its was so unfair.. Too generalized to the average Singaporean...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Statements like..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">"You guys keep taking advantage of us right?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">"Go home this weekend and let your mother or maid do all the washing"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">"While you go out with your friends whom you havent seen in 2 weeks.. Two weeks only! think its like forever issit"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">"Dont know how to appreciate the people around you.. Only know how to take advantage and benefit from their kindness.."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The suck thing is...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">My mom isnt around.. and wont be for the next year...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I do my own washing.. always have.. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So dont tell me I just chuck my laundry to someone else to do..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I spent 5 hours cleaning the night I came back.. I slept at 4.30am just to clean my stuff..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">My friends?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I havent seen them in 3 months.. (Has it only been 3 months?.. Feels soo long..)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">And I wont see them for another 2 years..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Now you tell me how crap I felt when I heard "haven't seen in 2 weeks"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I dont get to talk to them often..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I have no way of contact with any of them during the weekdays...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I DONT have any of my closest friends to talk to inside of camp..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I DO appreciate my friends..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I just dont have any close ones here..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Its hard being in a country you dont have grounding in..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">No real friends you can trust.. cause that takes time.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I miss everyone..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I miss NZ</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I miss my friends</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I miss my family..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I miss.. Just someone whom I can count on...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">This leads me to my point...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The only reason the commanders do this was to wake us up..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">For people to realize just how Complacent we are with things around us.. And how wrong of us to feel that way about how we treat people..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Lets start with our parents..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">How many here can honestly say they show their parents how much you appreciated them for everything they've done for you..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Watching you grow..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Nurturing you to the person who you are today..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Supporting you through your hardships and troubles..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">How much they actually do for you..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Do we really know the extent in which they would go just to see us safe?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">We really do not know how much they care for us...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">We dont know cause we dont have children of our own..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So we can never really know till the day comes and you have 1 for your own..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">And wouldn't you love your child to say how much they appreciate you?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But then again... You can expect them to..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Cause you yourself didnt do it as a child..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">And you'd wonder to yourself how your parents continued on and helped you even when you took advantage of everything they do..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Its hard for them so dont make it harder by thinking about yourself..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">How complacent are we to our mistreatment of the closest people in our lives..? Our Parents.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">We sometimes give ourselves the excuse of "He didnt do that so why should I do it to?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So... Why should your kid treat you with kindness and respect when you yourself didnt do so when you were a child?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Its a simple questions...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Why? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Why do we take advantage?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Cause they dont ask for anything back?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Its cause they love us for who we are..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Its something we cant possibly grasp..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">What I'm trying to say is...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">You dont want to wake up one day...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">And finally realize something..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">On a certain tragic day..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The day 1 of them pass away..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Where you regret things you've never done or said..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">WE ALL have that feeling of how regretful we would feel if that happened..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But Why do we delay it?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I don't know..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">For I do it too..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Its up to you to do something about it..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Our Loved ones..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">BF/GF Best friends.. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Where do I begin?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I guess theres a point in time in a relationship where we are so used to one another..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">That we tend to get bored..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">We forget the reason that you two are together in the first place..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Cause your in love...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Being bored is normal..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">There's only so much 1 can interest you...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">We lose sight..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I guess how people begin to cheat on one another..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Loss of interest.. due to familiarity of one another..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The repetition of things..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Start searching for something new.. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But subconsciously not knowing just how much your throwing away..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">All for a new experience, a risk.. Its all or nothing...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">A sick idea that you can just fall back to what was there before after your endeavor goes south..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But we all know thats not how it works..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">In the end both sides will go through hardship...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Just how selfish are you to even think of doing such a thing though..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">How could you risk such a thing just for the sake of having something new whilst not thinking of the consequences..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Cheating is one thing.. probably the worst..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Lets go down to a lower level..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Simple things like.. Assuming things..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">After time we tend to have expectations of one another...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">And we always assume a certain pattern..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
From there on.. Anything off the norm is wrong...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Things get heated over the littlest things..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">As we tolerate certain things in the beginning..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But as they repeat.. the Patience drops...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Tension increases..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Arguments arise..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Frequency Increases..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Fights..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Break up..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I know its such a sad and unfair way to put it...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Especially in such simple and general terms which hardly show the complexity of how it really happens..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But that is how it happens in the most basic way to put it...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">To be really honest though...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I really have no idea..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I have no experience..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It never progressed far enough to experience it..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I'm just guessing and trying to express something I dont truly know..</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">1 things for sure..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">You Never Know What You Got Till Its GONE.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Simple as that.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Dont take advantage of anything or anyone..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Show them you apprieciate..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Cause 1 day It just might be over..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">And then you'd regret having things left unsaid..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Things never dont..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Things you wish you never did..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Regret not trying hard enough..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">All because we assume the other was feeling the way you are..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Complacent with what you had even though you know somethings wrong..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Lazy or Blind?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I dont know..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Its different in every situation.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Well..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Thats all I really got on this..</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So people, WAKE UP.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Dont be complacent with anything.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Its simple as that.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The greatest fall comes when we are..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Regrets come of not doing things come from it..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">You hurt others without realizing till its too late and its all gone..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Dont take advantage of others..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Take care of your friends and family..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Tell people you appreiciate them for everything they've done even if its just the smallest thing..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It can make someone smile..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Don't hold back anything if it makes someone that bit happier about themselves!</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Goodnight all,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Ash.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>"</b></span><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Familiarity tends to breed complacency"</b></span></div><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span>Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-22334995843787542072010-04-04T17:10:00.000+12:002010-04-04T17:10:17.363+12:00Revived?<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Well!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">As you all would know im in the army.. for 2 LONG years... -.-</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Nothing too exciting about that!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I've decided to revive this blog..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Just for the fact that I find it wasteful to forget the things I think are meaningful and helpful to people around the world.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Truths I think I've discovered about the mind through the never ending musing sessions of life.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I'll try my best to post once a week..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It depends on what I've got up in my head...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Topics on life and happenings..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Emotions,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Reasons,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Situations,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The works on what I think is the reason. For everything we do.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Goals for this refreshed blog?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">An interesting look.. into an interested reader..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">One who wants to discover ones inner feelings without someone pin pointing them. Allowing them to realize and correct ones self before wronging another in the world.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I want the reader to try be honest with themselves about who they are..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">What they think about.. And possibly find the reasons to why they think certain things..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Like how your mind tends to handle certain situations!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Are u an optimist or a pessimist?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Don't want readers to read my posts and criticize it in anyway.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Its my opinion in life.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Be open minded.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The fact is. No 1 thinks exactly the same.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I want people to learn about themselves..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I'll try to do so through example as I myself discover me through the analysis of my own thoughts and feelings.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So be sure to keep an eye out for future posts!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I got nothing right now..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But I'll think of something ;D</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Ash,</span>Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-18170426099498217352010-04-04T16:44:00.000+12:002010-04-04T16:44:25.728+12:00Big Block Of Space.<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Big Space.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Spacing out the Past.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The Reminder shall be put aside.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Past is the Past.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">What is done is done.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">There's no use in reliving it through the words I once wrote.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So here is the spacing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The Gap.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But! If your curious on the past.. The by all means read the old posts!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Ash,</span><br />
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</span>Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-70440136405247507452009-11-09T23:22:00.001+13:002009-11-09T23:23:21.225+13:00The Year Of Change..What more can I say?<br />Happy Birthday..?<br /><br />Those 2 words are meaningless if you don't have any good terms with someone..<br />Its more of a statement to show you know its their day of birth.. Nothing more.<br /><br />Needless to say I'm not wishing you.. <span style="font-weight: bold;">And I Don't Really Know Why</span>..<br />Its not that I can't, its more along the lines of I won't..<br />I did not forget.. I never would.. I can't even if i tried.<br />Its embedded in my head.. Set in stone..<br /><br />As I type this out.. I'm lost for words..<br />I don't know why.. Why?<br />Aside from the obvious of the great disappointment and anger I have..<br />Theres an underlying factor.. I just cant get my finger on it..<br /><br />Perhaps its the fact he's still there and I'm not..<br />Perhaps I feel its a matter of time before your little world crumbles before your very eyes..<br />Perhaps deep down inside me.. I'm still waiting for your sincere apology..<br />No matter how doubtful I am that its ever gonna happen.. Its still a lingering thought.<br />You have your reasons and I have mine..<br />I've made mine clear to you.. I've been truthful time and time again..<br />You've always been secretive, so shut up inside your home that you wouldn't let me in..<br /><br />Perhaps.. I'm just..<br />Waiting for the day you'll make the effort I deserve to actually try fix it..<br />You and I know it WAS possible.. But you didn't help me at all.<br />Maybe there's a tiny bit of me that wishes we could be friends once again..<br />There's always this part of me that hurts every time I think of you..<br />I resent you.. For everything you've done to me..<br />I say IDGFF (I Don't Give a Flying Fuck)<br />But honestly.. I think everyone knows.. Its a blank blow of anger..<br /><br />Looking back.. 9th November 2008 - 9th November 2009..<br />All I can say is.. What in the world happened?<br />I was the only person you spent your birthday with last year..<br />Oh how honoured I felt that someone would want to spend their special day with just me..<br />But..this year I am nothing more than a distant memory..<br />Written in your book of life as history..<br />The chapter only seen once in a blue moon..<br />Skimmed through..<br />Not truly understanding the moral lessons taught in the past stories..<br /><br />Its seen in human history..<br />Warnings placed long before the disaster happens..<br />But do we listen? No we don't..<br />Why did we disregard the warnings in the first place?<br />We question ourselves this only <span style="font-weight: bold;">AFTER</span>..<br />What fools we all are.. Fools.<br />Could the same be said for you? Only time will tell...<br /><br />I always tell people this.. The age of 16 is the year of change...<br />Drastic changes always happen.. whether you like it or not..<br />I told her once, "Its the year of change! Be prepared for it! Good or Bad I'll always be here for you to get you through.."<br />How was I meant to know I was going to get caught up in all of this?<br />How could anyone perceive the forecoming events seen in the coming months?<br />No one knew..<br />No one...<br /><br />Chronology in months..<br />November 08<br />Happily together.. living the never ending dream.. Blissful..<br /><br />December 08<br />Seperated from each other.. Oceans apart.. Sleepless nights and lonely days..<br /><br />January 09<br />Visited me in Singapore.. I was to oblivious to notice any change.. after all this time.. I realized alot.. 27th Jan - Told me saying "ILY" felt wrong.<br /><br />Febuary 09<br />10th Febuary - Left me with a empty heart<br />15th Febuary - My first and only valentine.. awkward date...<br />27th Febuary - Its all gone.. Broken and shattered on the ground with no one around to piece it back together..<br /><br />March 09<br />The struggle to hold the friendship together starts..<br />Other guys, more lies, Shattered skies..<br /><br />April 09<br /><a href="http://tokingaboutme.blogspot.com/2009/07/note-which-is-now-irrelevant.html">The Note</a> was written to you..<br />Week after.. Promises broken..<br />Friendship torn apart..<br />Half a month passes..<br /><br />May 09<br />Wondered why she hasnt tried to contact me..<br />A month after.. Said I needed to talk to her face to face..<br /><br />June 09<br />Weeks pass.. 3,4,5,6,7...<br />Waiting for the day I get the opportunity to say what i needed..<br />The long wait.. Every 2 weeks I ask.. only to be returned with an excuse.<br />Busy, Mom, Friends, Other plans...<br />How insignificant I felt.. I didnt have any urgency placed in her life.. Not 1 bit at all..<br /><br />July 09<br />After waiting 10 Weeks..<br />Thats more than 2 months..<br />Tell me how long do you think i'd have to wait to finally get my say?<br />The day finally came..<br />Only to be put down to the ground..<br />Asked a simple question of why?<br />I get compared directly to the other guy..<br />Does it look like I wanted to know what makes him so much god damn better than me?<br />"He plays the guitar... I wouldn't say cool.. but he's different"<br />Thanks alot of putting me down in this hole once again...<br />Ive already struggled enough.. I did NOT need to know..<br /><br />End of July..<br />I put forward the idea that I no longer wanted to be friends..<br />You made it seem like it didnt matter to you..<br />Easily made the decision to let me go as a friend..<br />Said "I totally understand your decision.. Just talk to me at group okay? =]"<br />And I said "No you dont get it.. When I say I dont want to be friends I mean I dont want to talk to you"<br />She gets mad even though its my decision! Saying things like Fine then!<br />I'm the one who has to make the first move always time and time again..<br />This is why im finally taking a stand! Why should I be the first one to jump again?<br />You didnt catch me when I fell..<br />It's your turn not mine.<br /><br />August 09<br />September 09<br />October 09<br />All of which.. No contact what so ever..<br /><br />As I said.. The year of change..<br />Biggest change..<br />Losing your best friend is bad enough..<br />Losing all respect and trust for one.. worse..<br />Losing everything that was built.. theres nothing worse..<br /><br />When we look back at 2009...<br />Will we say it was a good year or bad? or a big salad of life..<br />Will I tell my friends that 2009 was a great year?<br />Hard to say..<br />First 7 months was complete terror for me..<br />Following 3 months...<br />Gained new friends.. 1 or 2 close ones.. well just 1..<br />Someone who challenged my thoughts and I respect that..<br />First person who bluntly pointed out my mistakes..<br />Which is what I wanted all along.. I dont care if it hurts..<br />It helps me grow as a person..<br /><br />Its my life goal to learn to be a better person to everyone..<br />Its a never ending lesson life... Guess we all have to take the fall sometimes..<br />The Up's And Down's..<br />Neither can exist without one another..<br /><br />Repeat:<br />16 is the year of change..<br />I once told you that..<br />Now do you understand what I meant?<br /><br />Ash,<span style="font-size:78%;"><br /></span><span style="font-size:85%;">"Out with the <span style="font-weight: bold;">Old</span>, In with the New.. Just sit back and Enjoy The View"</span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Enjoy The View - David Choi</span></span>Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-35897963648085934832009-10-27T16:29:00.006+13:002009-10-29T22:37:21.287+13:00The 27th October..Its exactly 1 year since that fateful day we got together..<br />I've moved on and all..<br />But no can can just escape the fact of how things have changed from then till now..<br /><br />We don't talk..<br />We can't stand the sight of each other.. (Well I can't)<br />I resent her for all the lies and shit she put me through..<br />She's to ignorant to realize she's done anything wrong..<br /><br />Today 1 year ago,<br />The first time I've told anyone I Love You..<br />First time I've said it with all my heart..<br />Only to get a hesitant reply..<br /><br />Pause*<br />"Really..?"<br />"Of course."<br />Pause*<br />"I love you too." Zzz<br /><br />I remember that day.. We went to Armageddon just as an excuse to go out..<br />It was the most boring Armageddon trip ever..<br />You didn't wanna do anything.. Scared or whatever..<br />The whole idea of going there is to try things..<br />When we watched the First episode of Code Geass.. After 10 mins u said it was boring..<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Well I LOVE Code Geass!</span><br /><br />We just walked up and down the exibition doing nothing.. couldn't try any of the games cause I didn't want to leave u excluded and what nots..<br />We bought some A&W Root Beer sat down.. and at 11 left the place for lunch...<br />What a waste of $32.. (me and her tickets.. I paid)<br /><br />Meh whatever.<br />My bfff Jenny told me that we would rewrite that day in my life when we go to armageddon this year..<br />Unfortunatly she couldnt come..<br />But I still rewrote that day..<br /><br />I had the best fking day ever..<br />Played some Rock Band and Guitar Hero on stage!<br />Went into a competition for best laptimes and WON.<br />(Jandals, Book and a CD)<br />And people with the Top 8 times..<br />GO Head2Head in a DJ Hero tournament to win a DJ Hero Set worth about.. $250?<br /><br />And guess who won?<br />WOOO Best day!<br />Got to even try the new Dj Max Technika game!<br />Honestly the best game ever...<br /><br /><object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/v7VyzLgI6Ig&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999&hd=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/v7VyzLgI6Ig&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999&hd=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object><br /><br />Its touch screen!!<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">I love DJMAX!</span><br /><br />What could be better right? Winning stuff while having fun with friends while chewing some free Wrigleys 5 gum!!<br /><br />Exactly! Armegeddon 2009 > 100 (Armegeddon 2008)<br />(Inequalities rock)<br />History rewritten, I'm happy right now and no 1 can change that..<br /><br />Anyways<br />Man after all this time I realized It wasn't true.. It wasn't Real..<br />None of it was..<br />I know how infatuation feels..<br />It feels like love but its not..<br />Cause deep inside the feeling is empty..<br />You fall cause you were interested in what I had to offer..<br />Only to a level on entertainment and enjoyment..<br />Not to a level where you could honestly care for someone like me..<br /><br />One day,<br />One of these days..<br />A feeling of remorse will kick in..<br />Not anytime in the near future.. but eventually..<br />If not.. then you havent learnt anything and your still the insolent little girl living in her dream world..<br />Only waiting for the day it all crumbles before you...<br />I wont be there.. Cause you arent dragging me along this time.<br /><br />TBH, I'm sick and tired of topic of her..<br />I'd rather forget that she existed!<br />My life is better and only can get better without you..<br />I have friends who honestly give a fuck about my life and how I'm feeling..<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">"</span><span style="font-weight: bold;">So I say Goodbye, this is my life</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">You're not a friend, so stop pretending, Don't even try.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> I Say Goodbye, This is my life.<br />The time has come, I'm moving on.<br />Its your turn to Cry. </span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />I say Goodbye, tired of the Lie"</span><br /><br />Good Bye<br />Composed by Ruby Tuesday<br />(DJMAX Music FTW)<br /><br />Ash,Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-88878602506753751992009-10-16T18:27:00.006+13:002009-10-21T16:37:32.003+13:00Go! Take a chance and be strong..<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Best song by Boys Like Girls IMHO...</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">So meaningful and it sounds amazing!</span><br /><br /><object height="81" width="100%"> <param name="movie" value="http://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http%3A%2F%2Fsoundcloud.com%2Fsteelz%2Fboys-like-girls-go-1"></param> <param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param> <embed allowscriptaccess="always" height="81" src="http://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http%3A%2F%2Fsoundcloud.com%2Fsteelz%2Fboys-like-girls-go-1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="100%"></embed> </object> <span><a href="http://soundcloud.com/steelz/boys-like-girls-go-1">Boys Like Girls - Go</a> by <a href="http://soundcloud.com/steelz">SteelZ</a></span> <br /><br />Lyrics :<br />Little change of the heart<br />Little light in the dark<br />Little hope that you just might find<br />Your way up out of here<br />'Cause you've been hiding for days<br />Wasted and wasting away<br />But I got a little hope today<br />You'll face your fears <p>Yeah, I know it's not easy<br />I know that it's hard<br />Follow the lights to the city</p> <p>Get up and go<br />Take a chance and be strong<br />Or you could spend your whole life holding on<br />Don't look back; just go<br />Take a breath, move on<br />Or you could spend your whole life holding on<br />You could spend your whole life holding on</p> <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Believe the tunnel can end</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Believe your body can mend</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Yeah, I know you can make it through</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">'Cause I believe in you</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">So let's go put up a fight</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Let's go make everything all right</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Go on take a shot</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Go give it all you got</span></p> <p>Oh, yeah, I know it's not easy<br />I know that it's hard<br />No, it's not always pretty</p> <p>Get up and go<br />Take a chance and be strong<br />Or you could spend your whole life holding on<br />Don't look back; just go<br />Take a breath, move on<br />Or you could spend your whole life holding on<br />You could spend your whole life holding on</p> <p>Don't wanna wake up to the telephone ring<br />Are you sitting down?<br />I need to tell you something<br />Enough is enough<br />You can stop waiting to breathe<br />And don't wait up for me</p> <p>Get up and go<br />Take a chance and be strong<br />Or you could spend your whole life holding on<br />Don't look back; just go<br />Take a breath, move on<br />Or you could spend your whole life holding on</p> <p>Get up and go<br />Take a chance and be strong<br />Or you could spend your whole life holding on<br />Don't look back; just go<br />Take a breath, move on<br />Or you could spend your whole life holding on<br />You could spend your whole life holding on<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Don't spend your whole life holding on.</span></p><p>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>And like it says! Be strong! and move along...</p><p>To anyone out there who feels that way..<br /></p>Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-11347884594607071702009-09-30T14:04:00.003+13:002009-09-30T14:23:02.871+13:00Regurgitation of the pastIm getting rid of everything soon..<br />so I'll just post this personal email.. that she sent.. and i replied..<br />In my usual.. Waffle manner.. Long!<br />This was in april.. after i'd just had enough of her antics and stupid mind games...<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Well...I don't know what to say except I'm sorry.</span><br /><br /> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">I'm sorry for not listening to you..about everything...</span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br />I appreciate the fact that even after all the shit I put you through...you still want to look out for me...even if it does mean us fighting.</span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br /><br />Mates before dates, bros before hoes...I will talk to _____ about everything the next time I talk to him, and I will back down if thats what <span style="font-weight: bold;">you</span> want...</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">I'm sorry I let my heart get the better of me at times...</span><br /><br /> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">I just want you to know that I never used you to get over anyone.</span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br />And that is the absolute truth.</span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br /><br />I hope you have a safe trip to sg...</span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br />Hope you have fun.</span><br /><br />The thing was.. it took her a week to come up with that...<br />Now.. would u think there was much thought and effort put into an apology like that?<br />of course.. I was pissed!<br />And yes.. i was on holiday.. what a mood killer..<br /><br />I replied:<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Its not what I want...</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Dont you dare say your backing down this cause it what I WANT...</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Its your Life.. Your decisions.. Do it for your own sake...</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Its for your own good... When will you realise this...</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">If you dont want to be hurt then just listen..</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">I DO NOT do this cause I want to!!</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">But I feel like its my responsibility as a friend to keep you safe... No matter or not if you deserve it.. Or how much i resent even helping..</span><br /><br /> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Talking to him the way now is already breaking the promise..</span><br />(They we're flirting even though she promised nothing was gonna happened... it was a promose to herself!) <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Hooking up doesnt mean anything.. it just makes things official.. </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">If you talk to him like this.. then you two are already together..</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Just look at your own position right now...</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Why do u follow his agenda when you already know it wont work...</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />everyone wants to be loved... I know... </span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />But you BOTH know its not meant to be yet you both talk as if you two are together!!</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">I mean how ridiculous is that?</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Stop playing along with his games..<br />He may seem to do things to show he likes you..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">And you think he must since he made the effort to do such things...</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Stop reacting to everything he says! </span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Then think why does he say sweet things even though you two wont EVER be together..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Cant you see he is sweet talking the hell out of you??</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />NO one is ever that nice.. NO ONE.... Its impossible..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br /><br />Your so used to the fabricated truth that you dont even realise it... </span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />He just says the things YOU want to hear... </span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Sure it feels all good and warm.. </span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />well learn to live without it..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Loving someone isnt about the sweet words..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Its about trust... And knowing one another..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Tell me does he even know your favourite colours? inorder of preference?.. I Think not...</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br /><br />Thats the method of sweet talking...<br /></span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Just ask any guy... Its the truth.. </span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />You need to learn to realise it...</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />And youve learnt so well to fabricate your own situation so you feel good...</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Know your true friends... Learn to decipher the truth from the lies..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Stop being a fool and believing everything..<br />Dont just questions the little things.. </span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Question everything... </span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Your on a collision course to pain.. </span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />And if you dont believe me then its your doom..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Not mine.. </span></span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br /><br />You are confused and you dont know what to do.. </span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />So dont do anything to make things worse...</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">And stop calling yourself a screw up...</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Saying these things doesnt do ANYTHING helpful at all..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />If you believe what you say, then you are what you say you are..<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />A Screw up</span>....and you'll never change then..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br /><br />Wheres your self esteem?? Have some respect for yourself..</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Stop throwing yourself to others..<br />Get a grip at your own life!</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Pull yourself back up.. </span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />You dont need someone who says nice things to be there to be happy..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />One day you will thank me for doing this....</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br /><br />Its clear that you have not thought this out clearly enough...</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />A week to think is not enough.. Dont rush things... Its never that simple...</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />The word sorry isnt going to make things fade away...</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />You need to take a time out... Just Stop talking to everyone.. and just THINK...</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Stay off the internet and dont talk to anyone online..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Just give YOURSELF some space...<br /></span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Lay back and look at your own situation...</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Get a clear head..<br />Stay away from all distractions..<br /></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Especially Him...</span> (Should have said just Him and not everyone)<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">And If he says im trying to do something to take you away then SCREW HIM..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Thats the no.1 sign that he doesnt care about what your feelings...</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Give yourself 2 weeks or so.. Just Stay away.. Dont tempt yourself..</span><br />(She promised me that she'd do it on MSN... She broke it 3 days later)<br /><br /> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">I swear to you this...<br />If it doesnt help then Ill leave you alone forever..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />When you come have a clear mind then come and talk to me...</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Dont give me half thought out answers...</span> (pissed)<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Talk to your friends..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Especially ____.. Shes such a good friend to you... yet.. She doesnt even know your situation.. Just spend time talking to her about it...</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Like you said.. Mates before Dates..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Talk to her..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />She deserves to know.. Tell her the truth.. dont change to words to make things sound nicer.. Just say the truth..<br />Dont fabricate things..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Even if its something she doesnt like.. just say it.. </span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />If its one person u can truly trust completely.. Its her..</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Take one day to just sit down and have a one on one conversation... hear her thoughts on it.. It might help..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Maybe you'll come to a resolution..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br /><br />I need time and space too..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />Maybe I'll talk to you after the hols..</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Right now I just cant take it..</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />You have a good holiday too...</span><br /><br /><br />Finally.. Got more things out...<br />And yes its holidays now! And ive never been happier the entire year!<br />Somethings have changed..<br />but Im living life well..<br />I've changed...<br />I'm definately not that weak boy that you once could push around.. Not anymore..<br /><br />Maybe one day I'll forget all this and start fresh...<br />But thats a long way from now..<br /><br />Ash,Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-16252619019781138432009-09-13T23:05:00.011+12:002009-10-15T22:13:41.285+13:00David Choi!!Okay.. this is just something I felt like posting!<br />David Choi.. Is the man!!<br />Love his songs!<br />Heard this song once and I downloaded his whole album!<br />I even learn guitar for the first time just to play it!<br /><br /><object width="853" height="505"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/Xy8jdBSwAto&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999&hd=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/Xy8jdBSwAto&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999&hd=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="853" height="505"></embed></object><br /><br />Absolutely loved it!<br />U want his album?<br /><br />Of course!!<br />Oh whats this link underneath?<br /><br />*EDIT!*<br />New link! in 320kbps! <a href="http://www.megaupload.com/?d=L6IF1JPR">HERE!!!</a><br />Hmmm might be a link to download his album.. errr Whoops? =P<br /><br />GET IT!!!<br /><br />And then go study!! AHHHH exams meh...<br /><br />Ash,<br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span>Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-89972403351954315012009-08-21T20:21:00.005+12:002009-09-30T15:08:04.381+13:00Life taken from a Different point of view.. A view point from a game o___OOkay...<br />Gonna try this..<br />You might find this a little ODD..<br />But hey!<br />something different?<br />If you don't know already..<br />Ive just started line riding again..<br />What is line rider u may ask?<br /><br />Its a Game!<br />where u draw lines for a little guy on a sled for him to ride on!<br />hence the name :P<br /><br />Here's the game if your really curious =D<br /><br /><br /><embed allowscriptaccess="never" src="http://www.isuc.net/files/file/line-rider-2.swf" width="650" height="480"></embed><br /><br /><br /><br />Have fun trying that :P<br />And here's a vid I made a few days ago..<br />Note: its undrawn so the details aren't finished...<br />I'll update it soon!<br /><br /><object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/FfrdPdEQbcc&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999&hd=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/FfrdPdEQbcc&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999&hd=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object><br /><br />*UPDATE!<br />Its FINISHED =D<br /><br /><object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/p4ACo5UYFA4&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999&hd=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/p4ACo5UYFA4&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999&hd=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Okay! Now for the real reason for this weird post..</span><br /><br />A friend of mine asked me how awesome it would it be to be that dude on the sled..<br />And I reckon it looks flipping wonderful! trill of a lifetime..<br /><br />Then tonight..<br />I just started thinking about it..<br />In a way.. its kinda like life..<br />Say YOU are on the sled..<br />And you are the artist at the same time.. drawing up the lines which shape up our lives..<br /><br />the lines are like time lines! You travel on them going your way..<br />The speed you travel represents the quick pace life seems to be at times..<br />and The gradients of the lines represents how our moods are in line..<br />Uphill to show level of happiness...<br />Downhill to show level of sadness..<br /><br />Now bear with me on this complicating topic! >.< <span style="font-weight: bold;">Striaghts </span><br />The straight lines are our daily routines in life. its simple, straight forward, doesn't change your mood up and down significantly to be noticeable.. Yet its still a part of life and we move along just as we are.. <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br />Now... The curves..</span><br />It is said that something negative will happen before something good will come...<br />Its the same thing here..<br />You cant just rise yourself up to steeper hills without the speed..<br />You would just slide down in disappointment..<br /><br />We go down the steep hill.. bad things happen..<br />and just as you think its never going to end..<br />It changes!<br />You see yourself skyrocketing out of the valley and enjoying it!<br />And as we all know... it doesn't last..<br />Even in the world of animated physics.. We lose momentum and start to slow down..<br />We may not fall but the mood dies out..<br />If we continue the steep route up you will fall.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Positive & Negative Jumps/Drops</span><br />Here's the part that should relate to most people...<br />Jumps..<br />Its like the best feeling in the world! Feeling amazing!<br />Maybe you had a wonderful time with friends..<br />You get the idea..<br />But sometimes.. Jumps aren't always a good thing...<br />I'm sure we all learn parabolas...<br />And in physics... everything that goes up..<br />Must come down...<br />Sometimes in life we jump so high.. We are in a illusion that we will always continue gaining ground..<br />but.. when we reach the maximum distance... we start to fall..<br />We all hope to land on another line early on before we fall further..<br />But that's not usually the case..<br />We fall deep.. and far down..<br />The Lows in life I suppose...<br /><br />Just so everyone knows..<br />Life is a never ending journey..<br />Same can be said in the game..<br />He will fall forever.... But his story never ends..<br />It also means that we will fall forever till we make the decision to save ourselves!<br /><br />When the drop in life comes..<br />Catch yourself...<br />You cant just put your foot down with a straight horizontal line...<br />Its just impossible to get on with normal life straight away when you've fallen so fast..<br />You'll crash and fall off!<br />It becomes too hard to get back on your 'sled' (Vehicle of life?)<br />You take it slow..<br />You slowly make your way from that vertical fall and slowly pull yourself out of there.<br />There will always be a horizontal line in every fall in life..<br />(meaning there will always be a way to pick yourself up again)<br /><br />You may say that someone might have helped you...<br />Yes they did help you.. But It was still YOUR decision in accepting their help!<br /><br />Knowing that there's always a time where your brought back up to a straight line..<br />Being able to get on again.. in a forward direction..<br />Doesn't it just make you hope?<br /><br />Move forwards always..<br />The line rider guy cant look back..<br />And neither should we.. The past is the past!<br />Look to the future and make the best of it..<br />Its the ride of our lives..<br />The only one we get on this earth..<br />We go through the up and downs throughout our entire lives! So don't ever give up..<br /><br />Draw your own future with the decisions you make..<br />Even at times where u feel like your going in circles..<br />Find away to break out and move on..<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Okay this has been one of the hardest posts ever...<br />Cause I don't know if you readers understand the game as I do..<br />Give it a try and maybe you'll be able to relate with what I have said alot easier..<br />Yes I know I'm weird in many levels..<br />But hey.<br />Who likes being Normal!? =P<br /><br />Stay tuned!!<br />I have a series planned! Dont know when im gonna do it.. Maybe after the FINAL exams...<br />No time >.<Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-54012164154119777212009-08-16T13:27:00.005+12:002009-08-16T13:49:31.379+12:00The End? I hope so..Well guys..<br />At this point of time.. I can almost safely say the drama is finally over..<br /><br />There just had to be an end..<br />And I made the decision for this ultimatum..<br />It just couldnt go on anymore..<br /><br />Lets just put it this way..<br />You broke my heart..<br />Then expected me to understand without any explanation..<br />You moved on within a week..<br />You time and time again lied straight to my face and expected me not to get mad at you..<br />You said you <span style="font-weight: bold;">will </span><span>try so many things..<br />None of which has been seen to the end..<br />You said you believed you were treating me like a good friend..<br />And yet you get mad at me for being honest about how I felt..<br />How can I possibly stand here and do nothing while your on the road to destruction..<br />I tried to help.. At least I can say I did..<br />But I cant help you.. If your going to be so stubborn and uptight about every little thing..<br />Even the truth is oblivious to you.. Cause you "Honestly Dont Care"..<br /><br />So I had to end this...<br />You even forgot the last thing you said to me..<br />I asked for an answer..<br />You still havent given me one..<br />Which you said in your very last words.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">"I Will"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span>You went back on your word.. Again..<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span>If that absolutely meant nothing to you then just go..<br />Get out of my life..<br /><br />You can go ahead and replace me.. I dont care anymore..<br />You and I both lost a friend..<br />but who gets the short end of the deal?<br />Only time will tell....<br /></span><span style=";font-family:Verdana;font-size:100%;" ><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:georgia;" >Scars - Papa Roach</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />-------------------------<br /></span><span>I tried to help you once<br />Against my own advice<br />I saw you going down</span><span><br />But you never realized<br />That you're drowning in the water<br />So I offered you my hand<br />Compassions in my nature<br />Tonight is our last stand<br /><br />I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut<br />My weakness is that I care too much<br />And our scars remind us that the past is real<br />I tear my heart open just to feel<br /><br />I'm drunk and I'm feeling down<br />And I just wanna be alone<br />You shouldn't ever come around<br />Why don't you just go home?<br />Cause you're drowning in the water<br />And I tried to grab your hand<br />And I left my heart open<br />But you didn't understand<br /><br />Go fix yourself<br /><br />I can't help you fix yourself<br />But at least I can say I tried<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">"I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life"</span></span><br /></span>Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-1764617349645938342009-08-07T21:32:00.004+12:002009-08-08T18:53:13.739+12:00Curosity...Im curious atm!<br />you see I know people read this blog.. <br />But I just dont know who and how many!<br />I really wanna know who reads this...<br /><br />I only know 4-5 people who reads this..<br />But ive heard stories of other people..<br />Tell me if its true!<br />Cause I dont know if I wanna post anymore till you show me who you are! :P<br />leave a comment and a name...<br />Muahah<br /><br />Blackmail much?<br />PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT!! CMON!!Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-29785141050232193342009-07-23T18:05:00.005+12:002009-07-23T18:39:38.548+12:00Onions..<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Omg</span> I cant believe <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">im</span> blogging this but..<br />its just something I came up with while cutting onions for dinner :P<br />A tad bit of poetry?<br /><br />Onions...<br />They make us cry when cut..<br />Why so?<br />Onions are like a lost and broken soul..<br />Forgotten what their purpose in life once was..<br />Kept in the darkness of the earth..<br /><br />Emotions hidden within a shell..<br />Cut them open and the pain is seen..<br />Shedding all the hurt to the world around..<br />Tears fall for the vegetable...<br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Separated</span> in pieces its seen..<br />The bitter crunch as you bite down..<br />Juices which make your eyes water.<br />The smell gets worse with every bite and breath you take..<br /><br />We see the true potential in it...<br />When given warmth and care..<br />The sorrow evaporates away..<br />All <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">that's</span> left is the itself..<br />Looking into the future..<br />Forgetting the past..<br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Epiphany</span>..<br /><br />A new onion is born..<br />No more hardships and sorrow..<br />Soft and Sweet it has become..<br />Happiness and joy is all <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">that's</span> there..<br />Spreading its love with its sweetness<br /><br /><br /><br />Okay that was probably my first ever shot at poetry.. if it even made sense o.O<br />but give me some feedback!!<br />I <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">don't</span> know if it even makes sense..<br />tell me what you think.!<br /><br />And Remember..<br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">There's</span> always Hope and Joy..<br />Just shed the Past and look forward!<br />Cause we are all just sweet in the end right? :)Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-49003189089520085822009-07-20T18:54:00.008+12:002009-07-27T18:33:08.427+12:00Code Geass Opening Songs<span style="font-size:100%;">I love these 2 Jap songs!!!<br />They sound great! and when i googled the lyrics..<br />Their just so amazing...<br /></span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >I cant even describe it!!</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >Just have a look!!</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><br />COLORS - FLOW<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/tiet3QJE8_4&hl=en&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/tiet3QJE8_4&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /></span><table style="width: 238px; height: 513px;" border="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr><th>Original / Romaji Lyrics</th></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Jibun wo sekai sae mo kaete shimaesou na<br />Shunkan ha itsumo sugu soba ni...</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Kakusenu iradachi to tachitsukusu jibun wo mitsume</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Mayoinagara nayaminagara kuyaminagara kimereba ii sa<br />Kimi ga kureta kotoba hitotsu tomadoi ha kiesari</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Karappo datta boku no heya ni hikari ga sashita</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Miageta oozora ga aoku sumikitte yuku<br />Tozashita mado wo hiraku koto wo kimeta<br />Jibun wo sekai sae mo kaete shimaesou na<br />Shunkan ha itsumo sugu soba ni...</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Mitasenu nichijou ni aru hazu no kotae wo sagashite</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Asahi ni hitori yawaraka na koe ni furimukeba</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Mabayui hizashi no naka futo kimi ga homoemu<br />Tozashita mado ga hirakisou ni naru<br />Jibun wo sekai sae mo kaete shimaesou na<br />Sonzai ha boku no me no mae ni...</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Miageta oozora ga aoku sumikitte yuku<br />Tozashita mado wo hiraku koto wo kimeta<br />Jibun wo sekai sae mo kaete shimaesou na<br />Shunkan wo kanjiru ima koko ni...<br />Hikari he to ryoute wo nobashite...</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Kokoro wo fukinukeru sora no iro kaoru kaze</pre></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">English Translation:<br /></span><pre class="lyrics"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:georgia;">Moments that seem like they can change both me</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">And even the world are always right next to me...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">Gazing at the irritation I can't hide and myself as I stand stock still.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">Despite my hesitation, despite my worries, despite my regrets, I should decide</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">With one word you've given me, my bewilderment vanishes.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">Light shone in my once empty room</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">The sky I gazed up at is so blue and serene</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">I decided to open up a window that was shut</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">Moments that seem like they can change both me</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">And even the world are always right next to me...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">Searching for answers that must be in the unfulfillable everyday</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">If I turn around towards the lonesome, gentle voice in the sunlight</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">You unexpectedly smile in the midst of brilliant sunlight</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">I'm about to open up a window that was shut</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">An existence that seems like it can change both me</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">And even the world is right in front of my eyes...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">The sky I gazed up at is so blue and serene</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">I decided to open up a window that was shut</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">Right now, I sense here a moment that seems</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">Like it can change me and even the world...</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">Spread both your hands towards the light...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">A fragrant wind the color of the sky blows through my heart</span><br /></span></pre><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><br />WORLD END - FLOW<br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/aE6Q6zHaQPs&hl=en&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/aE6Q6zHaQPs&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /></span><br /> <table style="width: 650px; height: 542px;" border="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr><th>Original / Romaji Lyrics</th></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Sekai no owari de umareta hikari ima kaze no naka</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Kireigoto dake ja ikirenai<br />Yasashisa dake ja iyasenai</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Ubawareta no ha nanda?<br />Kawaranai sekai de<br />Kikoete kita no ha nanda?<br />Shikisai no uta</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Everything is bright</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Kudakechitta yume wo asu no hate ni hibikaseru you ni<br />Sekai no owari de umareta hikari bokura hitotsu ni ima kaze no naka</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Taningoto mitai ni waraenai<br />Sabishisa dake ja nuguenai</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Kachitotta mono ha nanda?<br />Arasoi no hate ni<br />Kikoete kita no ha nanda?<br />Kanashiki sakebi</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Everything is crying</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Kudakechitta yume wo asu no hate ni hibikaseru you ni<br />Sekai no owari de umareta hikari bokura hitotsu ni ima kaze no naka </pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Daremo nakasenaide kaere mitasu kokoro ni mou nanimo ka mo koete</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Everything is bright</pre></td></tr><tr><td class="romaji" nowrap="nowrap"><pre class="lyrics">Ano hi mita sora wo negai no saki he todokaseru you ni<br />Sekai no hajimari souzou no asa ni bokura masshiroi ima kaze no naka</pre></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">English Translation:<br /></span><p><span style="font-size:100%;">The light that was born at the end of the world<br />Is found inside the wind now</span></p> <p><span style="font-size:100%;">I cannot live with only beautiful things<br />I cannot heal with only kindness</span></p> <p><span style="font-size:100%;">What was taken from me?<br />What did I hear<br />In an unchanging world?<br />A song of color</span></p> <p><span style="font-size:100%;">Everything is bright</span></p> <p><span style="font-size:100%;">May the dream that was broken and scattered<br />Echo at the end of tomorrow<br />The light that was born at the end of the world<br />Becomes one with us inside the wind now</span></p> <p><span style="font-size:100%;">I cannot laugh as if it happened to someone else<br />I cannot wipe my tears away if it was only loneliness</span></p> <p><span style="font-size:100%;">What did I gain for my victory?<br />What did I hear<br />At the end of the war?<br />A cry of sadness</span></p> <p><span style="font-size:100%;">Everything is crying</span></p> <p><span style="font-size:100%;">May the dream that was broken and scattered<br />Echo at the end of tomorrow<br />The light that was born at the end of the world<br />Becomes one with us inside the wind now</span></p> <p><span style="font-size:100%;">Return to your fulfilled heart and don’t make anyone cry<br />Leave it all behind</span></p> <p><span style="font-size:100%;">Everything is bright</span></p> <p><span style="font-size:100%;">May the sky I saw that day<br />Be there at the end of my prayers<br />At the start of a new world, on a morning of creation<br />We shine pure white and become the wind now</span></p>Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-23681144947462595892009-07-16T00:35:00.003+12:002009-07-16T00:54:03.057+12:00A note which is now.. Irrelevant..<span style="font-family: georgia;">This is just a note for myself...</span><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">A note of things to say to her when the time came...</span><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">but when the time truly came..</span><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">Everything had already changed..</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">But I'll just share this note.. (removing the names of course)</span><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;"> </span><br /><pre style="font-family: georgia;">The Note<br /><br />Why I reacted that way.<br />I lost trust in you..<br />When you told me on Chinese new year that we had <br />to end it, my heart was confused..<br />You lied to me about sleeping.. You <br />gave away my love..<br />Threw away the respect and just forgot what trust was...<br />You left me helpless when u ended it...<br />I felt like everything was a lie..<br />Finding out 2 weeks later that you liked (removed) just made me think that <br />you left me for him..<br />Someone who has torn you before...<br />You may say that you found out you had feeling after it ended..<br />But I know that deep in your heart that isn't true...<br />You said you loved me... But I don't know what love means to you...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">What does love mean to you?</span><br /><br />To me love isn't just a feeling of wanting to be there with someone..<br />That's just infatuation...<br />To me love is the never ending need to care for someone..<br />Being there through the ups and downs of life..<br />Making that one person happy...<br />Even for the sake of your own hapiness.. <br />Respecting one another..<br />Doing anything for that one..<br />And trusting everything to that person.. <br /><br />Did I not try hard enough?<br />I know I was all new to this... I did not know what to do...<br />I played it safe by not risking things...<br />I didn't want to lose you...<br />That's the only thing that kept me back...<br />You don't know just how much you meant to me..<br /><br />Was it not enough to know someone that cared for you?...<br />To know someone that would have done anything to see you smile..<br />Make you laugh..<br />Someone that would never cheat on you..<br />Never leave you..<br />And never ever lie to you... I never lied..<br />Someone who actually loved you from the bottom of the heart?<br />I loved you...<br /><br />Was I not enough..? Not good enough...<br />Not worth the effort...<br />Everything that mattered to me got lost that day...<br />I had my heart thrown back.. And I lost you...<br /><br />You've never had anyone tell you that they didn't love you anymore... <br />You don't know what it's like to hear those words...<br />No amount of sorrys can soothe the pain of those words...<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Only time..</span><br /><br />But everytime I try and gain some ground back with you..<br />You just throw me down with more lies..<br />Hiding things from me..<br />Why would you do such a thing? To protect me?<br />Or to save the hassle for yourself...<br />Your were meant to be my friend...<br />My best friend...<br />Your meant to help me...<br />Not hurt me...<br />It felt like I was nothing to you..<br /><br />Everything I say is taken by you like a pinch of salt..<br />You shut me out... You closed door to your heart.. <br />The trust we had before the holidays just disappeared...<br />Where did it go?<br />Did you send it away to someone else?<br />Did I not deserve the love and trust?<br />Tell me... You said you loved me once... Why did you?<br />Out of pity?<br /><br />(Blank here as there isnt an answer)<br /><br />Well I fell in love with your... Your personality..<br />Your caring heart...<br />The way you speak.. Always happy.. Laughing...<br />The way your eyes gleamed when you smiled..<br />And when your heart was torn...<br />I felt the pain as well...<br />It was so sad to hear you cry...<br />In those moments Id just wish I could make everything better..<br />I also felt honored that you came to me...<br />I felt that you deserved better...<br />I thought I could be the one..<br />The one never to hurt you again..<br />The one you came to in the time of need..<br />The one you hold so tight where ever you may go..<br />The one who'd care for you..<br />To be the one you trusted....<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">To be the one you loved..</span><br /></pre>Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-17239742162927358432009-07-08T17:46:00.005+12:002009-07-10T20:34:23.856+12:00Why do I care?!She says she wants to live life by how she wants to.. and..<br />She says to me..<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">"Why do you care?!"</span><br /><br />Why do I care?!<br />Now.. When I think to myself..<br />Why do I <span style="font-weight: bold;">EVEN</span> care....!?<br />There's no reason for me to..!<br />I get nothing out of it..! Only thing its done so far is get me hurt time and time again..<br /><br />You know what..<br />If she wants to get hurt then so be it..<br />I tried to stop it but if she wants a crash course to pain then fine..<br />I guess the last lesson didn't mean squat since she obviously hasn't learned anything!<br />Same situation as before...<br />And it will end the same...<br />She even see's that.. But she doesnt care..<br />Cause this time she's prepared..<br /><br />Think about this...<br />Why the hell would you put yourself in a position where you know someone is going to hurt you.. and just leave you in pain..<br />For the temporary happiness??<br />Sure everyone knows that nothing lasts forever..<br />But if you know for sure nothing good can come out in the end... and nothing you do can even influence or change the outcome..<br />Then why do you put yourself there??<br />Its like putting a loaded gun to your heart.. Waiting for the other to pull the trigger..<br /><br />She says to me there are thousands of other girls..<br />Well maybe she should follow her own advice..<br />There are thousands of other guys who aren't assholes who would ditch her!!<br />I wish I had the kind of confidence to slap some sense into her..<br />But thats not me...<br />And its her choice to realise it..<br /><br />You know why I want her to not learn it the hard way?<br />Cause I did...<br />I can say its the most fucked up feeling I've ever felt..<br />If just simple thoughts can break me down..<br />I don't even want to know what it will do when she's under the firing squad..<br /><br />If you had a friend.. Your best friend..<br />And you knew he/she was going to make a huge mistake...<br />Would you try and stop it??<br />Even if it means destroying your friendship in the process?<br /><br />Unfortunately I do believe that..<br />And thats exactly what happened..<br />I failed in changing her mind as well..<br /><br />The irony of killing 2 birds with one stone..<br />I just screwed up two things...<br />Our friendship... and I failed..<br />And no matter how much I would like the outcome to change..<br />It never will....<br /><br /><br /><br />Its times like this I ask myself why I bother being nice to people...<br />Getting nothing back is fine..<br />But given shit back.. Why do I truly bother?!<br /><br />WHY DO I CARE?!<br />Cause if you knew just how painful it can be..<br />You know damn well you wouldnt want anyone else to experience it..<br />Even if they deserve it... It shouldnt happen..<br /><br />Why do I care?!<br />Because I loved you...<br />But now after all these months.. Your just another person I once thought I knew...<br /><br />So don't you dare say Why do I care!<br />If the same thing happened to me!<br />You wouldn't even put the time and effort into helping me!<br />You'd just let me get hurt!<br />Cause you never really cared for me that much..<br />(The past few months justify it)<br /><br />Honestly..<br />Its clear now..<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">You never truly loved me..</span>Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-14168488272975922712009-07-06T21:30:00.002+12:002009-07-06T22:37:47.447+12:00Jodeanne's Quote (Matthew 7:13-14)<span style="font-family:georgia;">Thanks for the Quote! I really appreciate it.. I like it too..</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">(from the bible as well.. Wow)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-family:georgia;">“Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it." (Matthew 7:13-14)</span></span><br /></span><br />I agree on this quote...<br />"wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it."<br />Pretty much saying.. Not to follow the crowd..<br />Dont follow everything everyone tells you to do..<br />It make work the first time.. but eventually its going to go so wrong...<br /><br />Taking the easy route out of anything isnt the right choice often...<br />Everyone usually takes this way as its simple..<br />It gets you out without much hassle for yourself.. What could be better??<br />Why bother putting myself through hardship when in the end its still the same result for me?<br />But what consequences are there in taking the easy way out??<br /><br />Do you neglect the past and just go on?<br />I guess maybe the past will come back...<br /><br />And If you always have it easy.. How can u ever appreciate what you have?<br />You never know what may happen..<br />Like they say.. <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br />You never know what you got until its gone</span>..<br /><br />"Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it."<br /><br />I guess by narrow..<br />It means by making your own choices?<br />In discovering for yourself the right thing to do...<br />Its better because you learn the reasons to why it must be done..<br /><br />Sure its difficult..<br />But its the struggles we go through in life that shape us..<br />Sometimes taking the longer harder way around to get to the same destination is a better choice...<br />Through hardships.. We learn how to handle the things in life..<br />Know the wrongs from right..<br />Learn from our mistakes..<br />To think of it.. Thats what life is about isnt it?<br />Learning through experiencing the Highs and Lows of life.. having a broad mind about everything..<br />Taking in to consideration the consequences of actions before executing them..<br /><br />Its understandable why few people find this narrow gate....<br />Its hard... Its really hard..<br />At certain points.. many give up..<br />But giving up completely destroys the progress you've already made..<br />Because you've travelled on this hard journey for such a long distance only to turn around, go back and take the easy way out...<br />Then what was the purpose of even trying?<br /><br /><br />If life was always simple and easy.. We would never learn anything..<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-family: georgia;"><br />"Only when you've been in the deepest valley can you know how magnificent it is to be atop the highest mountain."</span><br />President Richard M. Nixon 1913-1994Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-460923711891814932009-06-28T21:50:00.003+12:002009-06-28T22:31:37.998+12:00Abit on me and a Question to people... NOT PART 5Just 1 quick question...<br />Who wants me to continue blogging?<br />At this point in time.. I really dont want to continue the story...<br />But if you have a good reason for me to continue... then tell me<br />Leave a comment and I'll read it.<br />Dont have to put your name if you dont want to...<br /><br />I'll Just do 1 quote :)<br /><br />"In life when we feel we have reached a limit, that is when the true battle begins.<br />Just when you despair and think it is impossible to go any further, will you become apathetic,<br />or will you say it's not over and stand up with an unyielding spirit?<br />The battle is decided by this single determination. "<br /><br />Man... At times I really wished people would see this...<br />Everyone has their limits.. I know...<br />Ive hit mine a couple of times this year...<br />Sure I felt like giving up... and for a brief period of time... I did give up.. but I got up.<br />Somehow I'm still striving for some kinda of conclusion..<br />It is true that it is the hardest battle ever..<br />Hope is the determination within someone...<br />Even if your being pushed down time and time again... Get up.. Its not the end..<br />The battle isnt lost until you give up.. When will people realise this...<br />If you believe its over.. then it is over...<br />If you dont try.. nothing will be achieved..<br />Its all in the mind when it comes to determination...<br />Many battles have been won just based on the soldiers will!<br />They believed they had a fighting chance to win even in the face of certain death..<br />Battles... both physically and mentally..<br />Victory is determined by your choice to strife for it.<br /><br /><br />Just abit of me now.. :<br />You can say that your trying hard to make things work... but on the inside.. you dont actually believe it is possible for it to ever work...<br />If you dont believe in it... Why bother trying?<br />Seriously Why?<br />Why do you give other people hope that it might work.. <br />But you already know its never going to happen..<br />Why do that to somebody?<br />Why did you give up? Tell me why...<br />You shut that door to your heart long before it ended...<br />How could you expect me to fix things.. when you never let me in..<br /><br />I never gave up on you... I never...<br />And I still haven't...<br />Things have been going from bad to worse..<br />You cannot say I didnt try...<br />I tried so hard... I wanted you so much..<br />You once said that what we had was real...<br />But you didnt even try to get it back when it was lost...<br />How can you find something without even looking for it...<br />You gave up... What was i supposed to do..<br />You were the key to everything..<br />I cant fix you... Only you can fix yourself...<br />You dont see that... So you left...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">You left me...</span><br /><br />fending off all the confusion.. All the lies... all these tears..<br />you got on with your life...<br />but you dont care about the people you've left behind..<br />You say your willing to help..<br />yet all you do is avoid the questions..<br />You knew I was broken..<br />I told you that you were the only one who can fix this..<br />But you didnt care...<br />Cause you dont know how it feels like.. You have never been in this position...<br />You dont even try to understand..<br />I still try to get the answers... trying so hard..<br />I want to get on with life without this running through my brain..<br />Filling my head with these sad thoughts of you...<br />I have limits...<br />Stop pushing me to them...<br />Everyday is a challenge for me already..<br />Im still waiting...<br />You owe me soo much... Yet you couldnt even make the effort to see me eye to eye to fix this..<br />And yet you expect me to wait even longer when your the reason why it isnt happening..<br />You expect me not to get mad when your the one delay this...<br />All just because you dont want to bring things back up??<br />Just because youve gotten on with life and replaced everything we had already...<br />Well I havent!<br />I dont have anyone who could have taken your position..<br />I dont have people queued to take your place..<br />There is no one to replace you..<br />You were the only person I ever opened up completely to...<br />But you will never know that..<br /><br />I know I was easily replaceable in your life..<br />Thats why I tried so hard to not lose you..<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">My Greatest Fear</span>... <span style="font-weight: bold;">Was Losing you...</span><br />Why do you treat me this way?<br />What have I done to deserve being worth nothing in your life!?<br />WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!?<br />Me getting mad at you for treating me like im just another person to push around??<br />How can you get mad at me for reacting to the way you treated me!?<br />You know well enough your the cause of all this...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">You Ended it...</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">You Lied to me..</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">You Kept secrets from me..</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">You Left me...</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">You Dont even care for me...</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">You Say your sorry.. yet you do it again..</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">You Dont even respect me..</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">You Expect me to sit and be pushed around!?</span><br /><br />Just because I dont speak out... doesnt mean it doesnt effect me...<br />I dont say things out in person cause I dont want you to see me in tears...<br />But if your going to treat me like a pile of shit...<br />Its time you hear what I have to say..<br />If your afraid to face me.. Then say so.. Dont hide it...<br />Cause Im afraid to even say thhe things I have to say..<br />All you know is that I need answers...<br />But theres so much more..<br />I need you to hear somethings I have to say...<br />Theres so many things.. You dont understand...<br />And till the day you hear me out... You'll never understand.. and the fights will <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">never</span> end..<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Its just unfair..<br />Life is unfair...<br />The world doesnt change when no one tries to make a difference..<br />But we all know you cant change somebody...<br />"If you wanna make the world a better place... take a look at yourself and make a change"<br />R.I.P Michael JacksonAshley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-1755048946248522882009-06-14T11:45:00.003+12:002009-06-14T12:11:00.830+12:00Just 2 songs on my playlist...I just felt like putting up the lyrics of 2 songs in the playlist I have on the blog...<br /><br />These are 2 songs that somewhat represent what Ive been feeling..<br />Have a listen and follow the words...<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">"Another Heart Calls" - The All-American Rejects </span><br /><br />Do you remember when we didn't care?<br />We were just two kids that took the moment when it was there..<br />Do you remember you at all?<br />Another heart calls..<br /><br />Yeah I remember when we stole the night..<br />We'd lie awake but dreaming 'til the sun would wash the sky..<br /><br />Just as soon as I see you..<br />But didn't I, but didn't I tell you..<br />As deep as I need you,<br />You wanna leave it all...<br /><br />What can I do?<br />(Say it's true)<br />Or everything that matters breaks in two<br />(Say it's true)<br />I'll never ask for anyone but you<br /><br />Talk to me..<br />I'm throwing myself in front of you..<br />This could be the last mistake..<br />That I would ever wanna do..<br />Yeah all I ever do is give..<br />It's time you see my point of view..<br /><br />Just as soon as I see you<br />But didn't I, but didn't I tell you<br />As deep as I need you,<br />You wanna leave it all<br /><br />What can I do?<br />(Say it's true)<br />Or everything that matters breaks in two<br />(Say it's true)<br />I'll never ask for anyone but you<br />But I know what you want is to figure it out<br />And God knows I do too<br />What can I do?<br />(Say it's true)<br />I'll never ask for anyone but you<br /><br />Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh<br />Na, na, na, na, na, na<br /><br />(I'm sorry)<br />So what!?<br />(But you don't think I've said enough)<br />(I'm sorry)<br />I don't care! (You don't care)<br />You were never there...<br /><br />As soon as I see you<br />But didn't I, but didn't I tell you<br />As deep as I need you<br />You wanna leave it all<br /><br />What can I do?<br />(Say it's true)<br />Or everything that matters breaks in two<br />(Say it's true)<br />I'll never ask for anyone but you<br />But I know what you want is to figure it out<br />And God knows I do too<br />Yeah what can I do?<br />(Say it's true)<br />I'll never ask for anyone but you<br />Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh<br /><br />I'll never ask for anyone but you<br />Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">"The Wind Blows" - The All-American Rejects</span><br /><br />I’ve got to breathe<br />You can’t take that from me<br />Cause it’s all that you left that’s mine<br />You had to leave<br />And that’s all I can see<br />But you told me your love was blind<br /><br />I know<br />There are times<br />You’re so impossible that I should sign a waiver<br />And you will find<br />Someone worth walking on when you ask me to go<br /><br />I’ll leave when the wind blows<br />Take a breath and there it goes<br />I’ll be outside of your window<br />I’ll pass by but I’ll go slow<br />I’ll leave when the wind blows<br /><br />There was a day<br />You threw our love away<br />Then you passed it to someone new<br />You wanna stay<br />But since you wanna play<br />We can finally say we’re through<br /><br />And I know<br />There are times you’re so impossible and you ask me to go<br /><br />I’ll leave when the wind blows<br />Take a breath and there it goes<br />I’ll be outside of your window<br />I’ll pass by but I’ll go slow<br />I’ll leave when the wind blows<br /><br />You can scream there’s just echoes<br />Pass outside of your window<br />You’ll be sad that you let me go<br />I’ll leave but just know<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">As I lay in solitude</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Oh what’s a boy supposed to do</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> I shake the very thought of you</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Me together, I remember</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Late nights when I stayed up late</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> All I do is wait and wait</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> You're never coming home to me</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> That’s the hardest thing to see</span><br /><br />I got to breathe<br />You can’t take that from me<br />I can finally say we’re through<br /><br />I’ll leave when the wind blows<br />Take a breath and there it goes<br />I’ll be outside of your window<br />I’ll pass by but I’ll go slow<br />I’ll leave when the wind blows<br /><br />You can scream there’s just echoes<br />Pass outside of your window<br />You’ll be sad that you let me go<br />On every face you’ll ever know<br />And everywhere you ever go<br />You’ll feel when the wind blows...<br /><br /><br />Well those are the 2 songs...<br />As for Part 5...<br />I really dont know if its going to happen...<br />I just dont feel like it recently..<br />Things have been pretty busy.. and there are things going on which I have no control of....Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-72698870960838503072009-06-08T19:58:00.002+12:002009-06-08T20:34:08.055+12:00Not part 5! But just somethings I want to say...Okay first of all..<br />Id like to say..<br />The intention I had when I made this blog..<br />Firstly.. It was never intended to be targeted at her..<br />I admit I did change the way I wrote after the 2nd part...<br />I still felt the emotions just by remembering the past..<br />I only did so.. To get rid of them haunting me..<br />So dont say Im bashing her or anything..<br />Cause It was never my intention.. This blog is NOT for her..<br />Its for myself..<br />I only wrote down everything cause I needed to express it somehow..<br />It was cluttering my brain.. and everyday was just killed due to the fact I just kept thinking about it..<br />It seriously was affecting me in school.<br />And i couldnt understand anything about the situation when I had no reference of the past..<br />So I thought to myself recently.. That I have used this to see the past in detail..<br />And hopefully understand my OWN situation..<br />I felt that writing it down could help..<br />And yes It has.. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Alot</span>!<br />I really feel much better as I write this..<br />So To sum it up...<br /><br />It wasnt for her.. It was all for myself.. To help myself to understand.. and to help myself move on.. By saying things Ive always wanted to say.. To her but never happened.. To get my life back.. I just want to be happy again.. Without all this mess in my head..<br />There are alot of things I regret..<br />But thats me.<br />People are not perfect..<br />And I am definately not even close to perfect.<br /><br />Secondly,<br />It was also never really supposed to be read by all..<br />AND was never meant to sound like a DRAMA story! lol..<br /><br />and I dont want people to read it and pity me or judge me..<br />Thats the last thing I want.. Cause I hate being pitied<br />Cause It was really never meant for people other than close friends to read it...<br />Cause its my side of the story..<br />Its my opinions..<br /><div style="text-align: left;">And I don't really care what you say about them..<br /></div>Cause its the past.. And everyone has to go through suffering first in order to truly appreciate what they have...<br /><br />Well thats all I have to say!<br />Part 5 whenever I have the time..Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-43344010662796228932009-06-07T21:50:00.002+12:002009-06-07T21:55:57.014+12:00Part 4... The Real Nightmare begins... or just a hint of it.. (Read the previous 3 parts first!!)Quote: "We can lose ourselves in romantic attachment, but the truth is, the euphoria is unlikely to last for long.<br />Indeed, the likelihood of undergoing suffering and sadness only grows over time.<br />As long as we remain unable to address our own weaknesses,<br />we will be miserable no matter where or to whom we may take flight.<br />We can never become truly happy unless we ourselves undergo a personal transformation."<br /><br />Now that quote is so true...<br />The dream of "I want them to love me for who I am"<br />Yes that is true<br />But people tend to take it way too literal.<br />What it really means..<br />"Who I Am"<br />Is what you are and how you act in life..<br />It DOES NOT mean you expect them to love you without some sort of compromise..<br />Theres always something the other doesn't like about you..<br />Cause nothing is perfect..<br />Which also means.. You CANT just expect things from them..<br />When the other is doing all the work by trying to change themselves just to suit you better..<br />You cant just sit there and wait for them to turn themselves better!<br />YOU yourself have to change...<br />If you take that quote literally..<br />Your relationship is doomed to end..<br />A relationship is a 2 way thing...<br />It takes 2 to start something..<br />It takes 2 to call it a pair...<br />It takes 2 to love...<br />It takes 2 to make it work..<br />How can you say you love someone when your not even willing to change..<br /><br />When I say change I dont mean like major things..<br />I mean just the little things like not being so fussy all the time.. Just relax(Just an Example)<br />Like smile a little more..<br /><br />And for god sakes just listen sometimes!!<br />No Offence there girls...<br />But you all have to listen sometimes!<br />Dont think for 1 second that your always right!<br />You may think at the time your right and argue your point..<br />But please just let the other talk and share his side of the story...<br />You might win the argument.. but you will lose the fight eventually..<br />It is impossible to know a situation until you've gotten all the information..<br /><br />And if you girls cant do what i just said.. Then sorry..<br />You need to change yourself if you ever want things to work..<br /><br />The quote says "As long as we remain unable to address our own weaknesses,<br />we will be miserable no matter where or to whom we may take flight"<br />That's another point.<br />You are meant to address <span style="font-weight: bold;">your</span> own weaknesses..<br />Not throw yourself at someone and hope they help you..<br />Cause they cant. All they can do is support you..<br />So dont expect them to save you from your own downfall.. Cause they cant..<br />The change is in yourself... not them.. They can only influence.. but its your choice..<br />You always have that choice.. and you always will..<br />The question is whether you pick the right one...<br /><br />Enough of my little quote section..<br /><br /><br />Date: Saturday February 28th.. 2009<br />Spent the sleepless night just thinking... And something else... T.T<br />Thinking hard on what the hell happened...<br />What the hell happened to everything..<br />Remembering the way it was before the holidays..<br />All the happiness and joy I once had..<br />Thinking on how she was when she came to visit in Singapore..<br />She was the same then.. Felt like she did still loved me then..<br /><br />But 2 weeks after she left..<br />She tells me she wants to end it.. Cause of her parents..<br /><br />But now.. She doesn't love me anymore?<br />What the F***!?!<br /><br />Its confusing as hell.. there is no clear reasoning to her...<br />She tells me she doesnt know why... she just FELT it was gone..<br />No matter how hard I thought..<br />I could not come to understand it..<br />(<span style="font-style: italic;">Till this day I still dont know..</span>)<br />I deleted my inbox that day... So I only have txts from this day..<br />I havent cleared it since...<br /><br />Got up in the morning..<br />Had to pretend I was really tired cause my eyes were completely red..<br />Couldnt let my family see...<br />Realised that I was going out with the guys to play games..<br />I did not want to go...<br /><br />At 12.13pm<br />I receive a text from her.. (Ill use the red text like MSN cause its easy to identify who is who)<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >I passed! I have my learners now! XD."</span></span><br /><br />Of course me being the depressed person I was..<br />I was freaking shocked at what enthusiasm she had...<br />So happy.. while I was probably the most down Ive ever been in my entire life...<br />Of course I couldnt be a complete dick and not reply right??<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"Congrads. See I told you it was easy... Bet it was no sweat at all..."</span></span><br /><br />Very monotonous replies from me..<br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"No way man. I just passed! I got 3 wrong XD</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"lol... Well i gtg.. Playing games with the guys.. ttyl.."</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"Okies! Have fun! Bye</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"</span></span><br /><br />At this point I was all.. WTF...<br />We just broke up last night and now you want to share with me this happy moment in your life..<br />I really dont care... Good for you!<br />I didnt want to talk at all...<br />Especially not to her...<br /><br />Played games for 3 hours.. Practically lost every game.. so wasnt in the mood..<br />Everyone could tell..<br />Cause I didnt shout and be all excited when we played.. Not even once...<br />Finished gaming when I had to txt her..<br />I mean its not like I wanted to.. Its like I felt like a had to..<br />I couldnt let our friendship die as well..<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"Hey.."</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"Hey. Did u just finish playing games with your mates?</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"</span></span><br />I was like.. Whats that supposed to mean??<br />Just cause I played for nearly 4 hours..<br />Was she expecting me to reply her instantly after??<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"yea we played 3 hours at the cyber cafe.. Just finished."</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"Lol That sounds hardout XD</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"Lol nah... Just good fun I guess"</span></span><br /><br />She just said lol and moved on to say that someone was looking for me online cause they needed help with co<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"Tell him i'm on my way back home now.. I'll answer the questions he needs to ask.."</span></span><br /><br />No reply till I got home..<br />Kenneth and Tze had followed me home cause Kenneth wanted to ninja some Tv shows and games.<br /><br />Me and her chatted online a little bit..<br />I was pretending not to be depressed and tried to talk normally.. Which is usually pretty cheery..<br />Trying hard to be happy... even though I definitely wasn't..<br />Im not going to tell you all the conversations we had..<br />We talked pretty short that day cause the guys were over and was kinda busy..<br />Kenneth pointed out to me..<br />"Your facebook says from In a relationship to Single.."<br />And I just kept quiet...<br />Tze asked "When was this??"<br />"Last night"<br />Tze was like.. "WTF! No wonder you did so shit today! No wonder you looked like shit today!"<br />I cant remember what we talked about later.. Too much clutter in my head that day.. So I dont remember that much..<br /><br />Tze stayed over at my place for the night..<br />(Different Beds -.-"... Just to stop peoples ideas flying around)<br />Well he tried his best to distract me from thinking about her...<br />We looked at really old chat logs from 2006..<br />Man it was pretty funny..<br />When we were kids we talked about the stupidest stuff ever!<br />And the amount of lols is just crazy...<br />at least 1 in every 2 lines!<br /><br />We walked down to mairangi bay at 10.30 to get a drink, a couple of snack and just to talk..<br />Then chilled out at the playground at the primary...<br />It was me Tze and nick at the time.. (nick came later)<br />Just talked crap and had fun..<br />When Nick had to go...<br /><br />The serious talk came..<br />I explained what had happened.. but I dont think I explained it well.. cause I myself at the time had no grip on what was going on..<br />Went home about 12.30?<br />Just sat and didnt talk about it cause my parents were awake..<br />We stayed up till 3 am before sleeping..<br /><br />The Sunday we spent just txting one another..<br />I was really trying to go back to normal.<br />We txted one another like nothing had happened..<br />It was like everything was back to normal..<br />Or at least thats what she thought..<br />I was lying to myself that I was alright...<br />I dont know why.. I just didnt want to feel sad.. I would have at the time..<br />Rather live a lie where then to feel depressed..<br />I mean it was alright txting her that way....<br />But deep inside.. It just didnt feel right...<br />Her phone died again that night..<br />Cant do anything about that...<br /><br /><br />We didnt talk to one another on Monday...<br />For some reason.. just cause I didnt start the convo for the day this time..<br />3rd March.. Tuesday..<br />After school she txted me..<br />It started off all good..<br />Until I asked where she was yesterday..<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"I wasnt in a txting mood.... txted no1 lol</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"Oh.. that's a first.."</span></span><br /><br />I was screwed in the head at this time so... I really was impatient and pretty irritable..<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"It happens sometimes...</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"Yea guess so.. Especially this time.."</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"Yeah..</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"Yea.. So how are you?"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"Im okay I guess</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"</span></span><br />I still cared for her... I still loved her..<br />I just didnt know what the hell I was doing anymore...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"You guess?"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"Yeah..</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"I thought it would be all good for you"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"Yeah..</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >but i also feel bad 4 doing it u know..."</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"Well just tell me one thing then... You dont regret it right?"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"No... But i feel awful cos im hurting u...</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"ok now i can get rid of any hope I had.."</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"Oh god... But can we still be friends?</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"I never said we couldn't.. I have a stupid mind okay.. I have hope when there's none.."</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"But that doesnt mean u should ever give up hope on other stuff ok?</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"</span></span><br /><br />I got pretty aggitated.. I was angry and sad at the same time.. Terrible feeling..<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"You know what's ironic? I'm pretty much the one who always told you to be positive.. how things have changed.."</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"yeah... Well, u were right when u said that.</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"Yeah. and ive learnt alot of things in the past few days.. talking with the guys really gives me perspectives.."</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"Im glad u learnt alot of things.. :)</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"</span></span><br /><br />I dont know what I was doing.. I just wanted to get pissed at her for everything...<br />Cause I knew I didnt deserve this...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"Well I learnt that the first love is usually the strongest and after that its just not as strong anymore.. The stereotype of the guy being the one who ends it is a comeplete lie. Almost every single relationship is based on infatuation which always fades away eventually... And that's when you know where its real or not. "</span></span><br /><br />All she could say was..<br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"Im glad u have awesome as friends</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"</span></span><br /><br />I took a shot at her..<br />Cause her previous bf and one of her so called best friend are both people she met online..<br />She never met her previous bf.. and met her 'best friend' once 2 years ago.<br />Which I find pretty damn ridiculous..<br />How could u even love someone when youve never met them..<br />You dont know what they are like in person!<br />She could love them when she couldnt even love me.. when i tried soo hard...<br />I would have done anything to make her smile.. she did have an amazing smile...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"Well maybe you should start talking to your friends rather than trusting everything with someone online who you can't really know. "</span></span><br />This is cause she didnt tell her friends that the relationship ended.. even 3 days after...<br />Her online 'bestie' already knew she was going to end it with me.. He was there the first time it ended.. (You will hear all about him soon)<br />I asked her good friend if she was okay on the monday..<br />She just asked "Why? what happened?"<br />I was shocked.. She didnt even tell them... I felt like It didnt mean anything to her..<br />Was it not important enough that she didnt even tell her friends?!<br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"Excuse me? That was comeplete uncalled for!</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" > </span></span>(which it was.. but I was depressed) <span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >I didnt say i wish i had friends like yours, i said i was glad you have awesome friends that could help u through this! I may not be able 2 get 2 know them well enough, but sometimes your instincts are right. The only person that has upset me was my exbf. the other are all real good friends"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"I didn't mean it like that okay </span></span>(Actually i meant it for her ex and ur online bestie) <span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >I meant you should talk to your friends rather than just your online friends. Think. In the time of trouble do you actually think your online friends can do anything to help?"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"I do talk to my friends when i need help. and my online friends do help me at times.</span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" > How did they come into this conversation anyways?! I didnt even mention them"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"When I say trouble I didnt mean anything to do with people problems</span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >.. I know you didnt mention them at all.. but heres the thing. You trust them too much.. You always do.. Some are good I know. Some are bad as well.. Sure you have lots of friends both in real life and online.. but how many of them would truely come to your aid when your really in deep trouble..? I would.."</span></span><br /><br />I made up this 2nd person... Cause i didnt want her to hear exactly what i had to say.. so i said a 'friend' commented on her situation. She had 2 previous bf's.. The first.. Totally deserted her for 3 whole months.. He was overseas.. and he didnt even contact her for that all..<br />The 2nd.. Cheated on her... He was 2 timing.. she was the long distance relationship.. He already had a girlfriend before they got together..<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"Okay I didn;'t say this but.. I'm quoting someone who commented on your situation..<br />Your life is pretty messed up.. Being left the first time... Cheated the 2nd..<br />Your never had a proper relationship with anyone till now..<br />He says that you dont know how to handle things on your own.. your very lost and needs to get things straightened out in your life.. You need to chill out and just relax...<br />If you hate NZ so much... So what? You cant do anything about it..<br />Learn to enjoy what you have.. If you think its terrible then it is terrible.. Everythings in your mind. Stop wishing you were somewhere else when you know you cant be there.<br /></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >Back to me now... you know what I realised?<br />I only started to like you cause I felt so sorry for you...<br />I thought I had some sort of obligation in my hehad to help you...<br />But now that your on your feet again.. You dont need my help at all..<br />Thats probably why it went all wrong.. You dont know what love is.. T<br />he physical attraction. the urge to always talk to that person and have his undivided attention is just infatuation..<br />You need to sit down and think.. is your definition of love just based on in fatuation or is it more..?"</span></span><br /><br />Yes this is all 1 single txt..<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"I know i trust them heaps. now whenever i talk to them i take into consideration that they may be lying through their teeth..</span></span> (she contradicted herself)<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" > </span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >And you can tell your friend that i say thank you for that bit of advice. I am getting myself back together, I started by <span style="font-weight: bold;">Breaking up with you!</span><br />u talk about me as if u know me inside out, but you still have so much to learn! I may say that i cant wait to get out of nz nd im sick of this place, but that doesnt mean i hate every single day i here. I do happen 2 enjoy as much of it as i can!<br />Im trying to keep our friendship from falling apart, but your criticising me like ive done something wrong 2 my other friends! Nite!"<br /><br /></span></span>Like I said it wasnt for her other friends.. Mainly those 2 people..<br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"I started by <span style="font-weight: bold;">Breaking up with you!</span>"<br /></span></span>This is the exact line that totally destroyed me...<br />She tells me inorder to get back your life you break up with me?<br />Ive been there time and time again for her...<br />Picked up the phone to her her crying.. Trying to get her mind off her previous breakups..<br />All for what!? to be used like a tool to get her life back...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"You started by breaking up with me... Wow.. now thats hurtful.. What is that supposed to mean? Your life was in a mess and the first thing you need to sort out is dumping me?<br />Do you even have the slightest idea how broken I am at the moment?<br />You talk to me as if nothing had happened.. You know you meant the world to me.. You already destroyed everything I was hopeful for this year..<br />Dont break me down more.. You already put me through enough..<br />Dont you dare say your getting your life back together starting with me!!<br />I have done nothing to deserve being put in this position and you know it!<br />I have helped you soo much in the past.. I dedicated my time for you.. for what?<br />Cause I had to? No..<br />I did it by choice.. I dont regret helping you at all.. i regret ever falling in love with you..<br />You know how first love feels.. Your just crazy about that one person..<br />It seems like its never ending.. You even cried for two weeks just cause you missed him!<br />You think i didnt feel that same thing you did?<br />Well I did.. It felt great that i was with you.. It probably was the happiest point in my life..<br />I never thought I could get anyone remotely as beautiful as you...<br />Never thought anyone would be interested in me.. It was unbelieveable..<br />I thought it was too good to be true... Turns out it was.. Now I feel used..<br />Like an instrument to get your life back.. And when you were done.. you just push me aside..<br />Ive pretty much wasted every night of the holidays wishing for you.. Only to be hurt even more...<br />You know people called you a bitch... Yet I still defended you.. I dont even know why..<br />You stole my heart and then just walked out..<br />You lie to me about simple things like bedtimes..<br />Your so hurtful and you dont even know it!<br />I dont even know where you'd be if I wasn't around to help you..<br />But now you dont need me at all..<br />You cried for 2 weeks for someone you missed so much...<br />I just got dumped by someone I missed just as much...<br />I just can't believe you said that...<br />Nite..."</span></span><br /><br />(And thats the longest txt ive ever composed.. 18 txts long)<br />When she said that...<br />It just screwed my mind even more.. What the hell was going on..<br />First parents.. then dont love me anymore cause she just didnt..<br />Now say she dumped me cause she was getting her life back...<br />What was I supposed feel? What was I supposed to do!?<br />What could I do...<br /><br />In the morning she txted..<br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"Ashley, im sorry about last night.. I didnt mean the whole getting my life back together starting with u thing.. I was just really angry cos I felt like you were dissing my friends and i just hate people who do that..<br />The reason why i act like nothing has happened is cos thats the only way i know how to act.. I try 2 avoid awkwardness as much as i cn..<br />Im really sorry Ashley... I didnt mean 2 hurt u Ashley.."<br /></span></span><br />If you didnt mean it.. Then why did you say it.. You cant just say something then take it back.. And expect me to believe that what you said wasnt true...<br />Heres what I have noticed... She always says she doesnt mean it.. and avoids any kind of confrontation..<br />Her excuse for everything is Im sorry.. I didnt mean it..<br />If someone says that you just cant do anything about it...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"I did not diss your friends.. I didnt pick on any of your friends... All i said was you shouldnt trust them so much and whether your online friends can really help you if there's a real situation..<br />I know you didnt mean to .. But you did hurt me.. The kind of hurt I swore to myself I would never put you through.."</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"But to me it felt like u were saying that theyre not good enough. I know i cant rely on them when im in trouble, thats why i wont rely on them 2 help me in those situations..<br />I just dont want to lose me as a friend.."</span></span><br />(She was already losing me.. long before it ended..)<br /><br />I changed the topic and the day just continued..<br />The entire week I was txting her normally again...<br />She went on camp..<br />So she didnt have much time to txt...<br />but through out the entire week.. I didnt bring it up at all..<br />even though I felt worse than ever...<br /><br />When she got back on msn..<br />we talked.. and i said..<br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"I cant keep pretending... did u actually think i was recovering well?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"I thought you were...you were sounding cheerful...happy..friendly..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"Thats only cause i didnt wanna bring things up"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"if you dont want to talk to me just tell me"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"if talking to me on a daily basis is making things worse, just tell me.. ill back off"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"i just...thought you shared my train of thought because you seemed to want to talk to me..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"i do want to.. its just that i realised u talk to me the same even in or out of the relationship..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"and realised there was nothing really different when we were together"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"and I completely hate myself for telling you that i liked you that day"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"I was confused and stupid"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"I realised after talking to so many people"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"I only told u because you were about to get back with ur cheating ex and i just couldnt allow that"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"i wasnt gonna say nothing till this year.. I regret that now.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"so...</span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >you only told me you liked me because you didnt want me to get back together with my ex...?"<br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"yea...</span>"<br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"why else did u think I said i was confused that day"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"and just blurt it out all of a sudden?"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"if that was the case then...did you actually mean anything you said...? when we were together...?"</span></span><br />I so wanted to say that I didnt mean it all... but of course I meant it.. I was so crazy about her..<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"of course I did..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"I did not lie when i said i liked you.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"It was just rushed"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"ok..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"i meant every word i said"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"ok.. cos i did too..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"if u really did then why are we in this situation now?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"because somewhere along the way i lost it..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"you cant just 'lose' it"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"its more like u never had it"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"i did! and you can just 'lose' it"<br /></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"because i did"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"i think u dont even know what its like to have it"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"and you think you do??"<br />"you know what"<br />"I thought this friendship would work out."<br />"I thought you were recovering well." </span>(Oh how wrong she was...)<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"i want to still be friends with you"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"but to me, it seems like you dont want that"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"well, i'm sorry for disturbing you this entire time"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"i'll just leave you alone!"</span></span><br />Blocked*<br />Its not that i didnt want to be friends with her anymore..<br />I just didnt want to settle with just friends..<br />I wanted more..<br />I wanted everything to go back to the way it was...<br /><br />Well she blocked me.. so I went on yahoo messenger to talk to her..<br />No chat logs.. So I really dont remember what I said...<br />Only thing i remember was..<br />Asking her what her shout out meant..<br />It was " im such a fool"<br />I asked.. why do you say that?<br />she said...<br />she doesnt know if she likes this other guy...<br />her online 'bestie'...<br />Remember him?? In part 2 I said that she had a friend she liked before we got together..<br />and that she didnt know what to do with him.. whether to say yes..<br />Well guess what... its the same guy AGAIN.<br /><br />Im just like.... wtf.. 2 weeks later and this comes up..??<br /><br />And I'll tell you all this on the next post...<br />Cause Its too long already...<br />All about his guy.. that she just suddenly liked..again!<br />All this in part 5...<br />posting.. whenever I feel like posting another...<br /><br />Ash,Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-6492343097800762142009-06-06T01:51:00.003+12:002009-06-07T22:34:14.698+12:00Part 3.. The Break Up.. (Read Parts 1 & 2 First)Quote : "Even married people were once strangers. <br /> Therefore, without patience and the effort to understand one another, things are likely not to go well.<br /> We need patience in order to become happy.<br /> There are many who dream about experiencing happiness without the patience.<br /> But that is a dream. And a dream is just that--a dream, a fairy tale.<br /> It is to wish for a childish, easy life. This illusion breaks up many marriages.<br /> The pursuit of such happiness can only make one miserable.<br /> It is important to make the effort to calmly construct something together.<br /> From there, real love develops. Love deepens.<br /> Love that does not is merely on the level of simple likes and dislikes."<br /><br /><br />The date is the<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span>23rd<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span>of February... Its a Monday...<br />On this monday morning...<br />I was tired and really grumpy...<br />Again.. Her phone ran out of battery the night before...<br />Its been happening almost everynight.. after 8.30pm.. There's never a reply...<br />Until the next morning when <span style="font-weight: bold;">I </span>have to start the conversation for the day again... day after day..<br />I asked her in the moring..<br />"Why dont you charge your phone when it goes flat?"<br />She replies..<br />"I do! Its just that I dont turn it back on when its charging.."<br /><br />Me being pretty confused asked her why doesnt she turn it on and reply??<br />She tells me thats he <span style="font-weight: bold;">"cbf"</span> turning it on..<br />(for people who dont know what cbf means... it means Cant Be F****ed)<br />And Im just sitting there... wondering what does she mean by Cbf to turn it on??<br />Too lazy to even reply?<br />Every night.. Even though I dont get a reply... I'd Always message her a goodnight txt... No matter what..<br />Thinking she might one day return that txt... And see just how commited I am to her.. But no.. it never happened<br />I ask her what do you mean cbf??<br />cbf turning your phone to even say good night??<br /><br /><br />This is like a routine for her...<br />She doesnt even apologize properly anymore..<br />From.. "I'm so sorry I never replied last night! My fone died >.< Morning!"<br />To.. " Soz for not replying.. you know the drill >.< Morning! "<br /><br />How can she keep doing this? Of course i got mad...<br />I said some pretty harsh words...<br />Like you dont want to talk to me any more.. you dont even call me.. You dont even make the effort to turn on your phone to even say goodnight!<br />She says its not true..<br />I told her i didnt believe her...<br />She says " Fine then! Believe what ever you want!"<br />I got pissed and txted a long txt saying.. "You know what?? I dont know why I even bother to stay up late till 11.30 sitting in bed waiting for something.. something from you.. But what do I get? Nothing! I dont know why I even bother so say goodnight to you.. even though I know I'll never get a reply... I dont know why I put so much effort into you... I just feel so... unappreciated.."<br /><br />And thats when Silence hits...<br />She doesnt say anything..<br />its 5pm and I msg her asking if she is angry at me...<br />She says she's not... and that she is thinking alot..<br /> and will talk to me tomorrow..<br /><br />I was scared..<br />I said that I didnt really mean it that badly this morning.. and apologized..<br />She says its not me.. Its to do with her.. She needs to sort out how she is feeling... <br />And at this moment in time.. Im basically scared shitless...<br />I say to her... whatever it is.. please talk to me...<br />she says.. no.. I cant help her..<br />I say okay... just please.. Dont end this relationship... please dont...<br />She says she doesnt know.. and will talk to me tomorrow.... That night...<br /> Was spent in complete fear.. 1 night of uncertainty... confusion...<br />I prayed hard that things wont get worse... <br /><br />In the morning...<br />On the 27th of February...<br />Its supposed to be our 4th month anniversary...<br />I wished her in the morning... but nothing comes back.. I didnt expect anything...<br />A day in school goes past...<br />Thinking throughout every class what was going to happen tonight when she comes online...<br />I felt soo helpless..<br />I regretted saying those things the day before...<br />We were supposed to meet up that very weekend..<br />I wanted to make it up to her for the last meeting we had.. which was very awkward..<br />I thought that if I just do what I feel is right to do..<br />Everything MIGHT just go back to where it was...<br />Oh how I wish I still had that chance... <br /><br />At exactly 10.31pm...<br />She came online.. <span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" ><br />"ummm...i've been thinking lots...."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"and...."</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"god, my minds real messed up atm..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"Im lost... i really dont even know whats going on.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"Ashley...i think we need to break up"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"i just....dont feel..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"why....?"</span><br />"<span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >dont feel what?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"dont feel...like i love you that much anymore"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"I'll be honest with you, when we first started going out, i only did it cos i didnt want to hurt you by turning you down...but...after a while, i did fall in love with you"<br />"</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >I dont know how...but somewhere along the way...i just lost it..."<br /></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"I just...want to be friends ashley..."</span></span><br /><br />(Okay at this point of time... I was really really messed up already... Confused and struggling to understand...)<br />I was terrified...<br />I didnt know whether I could convince her this time...<br /><br />I tried to understand why...<br />I had always blamed the holiday or myself on why it ended..<br />I still do..<br /><br />I'd say it was the holidays.. but she would just say it was her..<br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"no...its me"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"i'm just not into it anymore"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"the entire time, i've been teling myself that its cos we were only going out for a month, and then we were away from each other for 2 months"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"but that is true"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"but i cant lie anymore...not to you, not to myself..."</span></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"lying is the one thing i said i didnt want"</span><br /><br />I still couldnt understand...<br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"but ashley...what kind of relationship is this if i cant give 100%?"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >but you could learn to give that eventually"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"i mean these things take time.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"ive been trying"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"but no matter how many times we go out, i will always think of this..."</span></span><br /><br />I kept trying to say it was my fault...<br />Like the last time we went out for that movie..<br />I didnt dare to hold her hand.. I didnt know whether she changed her mind the first time out of pity.. or was it really what she wanted..<br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"See? thats the thing...i didnt even think to hold your hand...it didnt even cross my mind till we were walking back..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"if stuff like that is happening...then this relationship isnt right"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"but it was mainly cause of the week before"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"the whole thing that built up over the hols.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"the last prayer group.. "</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"everything adds up to this awkwardness"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"no ashley..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"I cant do this anymore..."</span><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" ><span style="font-size:85%;">"Its unfair on you"<br />"i mean, i love you... but i feel like its just as a friend"</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></span>At this point... I really was helpless..<br />What can I say to change her mind?? What can I possibly do to even remotely convince her??<br />She already had a mind set...<br />She said she loved me.. But just as a friend..<br />(It sure didnt feel that way...)<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"Okay i admit that i kinda feel the same way you do.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"but i do believe the fire can be rekindled.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"its not simple either.. but im willing to do anything"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"but...what if i said that i wanted to move on...?"</span></span><br /><br />What could I say to that??.... Tell me... What could I have possibly done?<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"I...."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"I wouldnt know what to say..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"please dont hate me... >.<"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"but i just want to be friends now..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"this is so unfair..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"im sorry..."</span></span><br /><br />Thats all she ever says... She's sorry...<br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"why do you want to break my heart?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"because...if it carries on like this...you are just going to be hurt even more.."<br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"is it cause im not good enough?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"no!"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"cause ive never felt like i was ever good enough..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"no! no!"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"but i tried so hard to make you happy"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"its not cos of that!"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"i mean, did i not succeed before the holidays"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"I mean i kinda already knew you went out with me at first outta pity.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"you did!"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"I told you! i did fall in love with you"</span></span><br /><br />Okay.. Bear with me now.. This is where I got pretty damn emo....<br />I kept blaming it on myself...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"dont blame it on you"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"its me...ive just lost it..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"no dont say that.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"i think youd be better off with someone else"</span></span><br /><br />now that I think about it.... You just dont say those kind of things...<br />It hurts to think that you'd rather have me be with someone else.. when all i ever wanted was you...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"i dont have anyone.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"i dont want anyone else.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"what did i do to make u fall in love with me the first time.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"i dont know..."<br /></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"i just did..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"and i lost it the same way..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"i dont know...i just...didnt feel it anymore"</span></span><br /><br />The least I wanted to settle with were some answers.. but all i ever got was <span style="font-weight: bold;">I Dont Know</span>..<br />I mean how can you not know?? Theres a reason for everything...<br />Yet you dont know... (She did know why... she just didnt want to tell me..)<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"You know how i told you that when i was with my first boyf, when i came back from indo i was crying everynight for the next 2 weeks...?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"you didnt feel that way with me didnt you....."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"no... </span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >=[ </span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"</span></span><br /><br />This is where it just made no sense to me...<br />I mean how can you say you loved me before.. And yet you never ever missed me that much when you were overseas...<br />How could you say that?<br />If you didnt feel that as you did with him.. then you never really loved me...<br />Truely honestly.. Do you really expect me to believe you?<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"i dunno why but i was thinking that your past relationships have closed yourself in.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"no...ive always been like that..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"no one will ever know every single one of my secrets"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"i just like it that way"</span></span><br /><br />Now see here..<br />How can you be in a serious relationship.. when you dont even open up...<br />Your not supposed to keep secrets from one another...<br />The whole idea of dating is to know the other person well..<br />Learn to trust them..<br />Make them happy..<br />I was open with her... She knows most secrets that no one even knew about me...<br />There isnt anything that I wouldnt tell her...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"i dont know what its like to be left alone for 3 months"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"or what its like to be cheated on.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"are you afraid that i would break your heart?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"or were you ever?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"no...i knew that you would never do anything like that..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"but you still hesitated to open yourself up"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"i dunno...i guess thats just who i am..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"but if you wont open up to me then youll probably never open up.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"and it will always end the same way.."</span></span><br /><br />I felt like it was this that ended it all..<br />Ever since she got back from the holidays... Its been so different..<br />You never really gave it a 2nd chance..<br />You closed that door in your heart.. and you say youve tried ...<br />How can you say youve tried but yet closed every door for me...<br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"ashley...please... if we carry on with this relationship...things arent going to be that same..."<br /></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"please can we be friends"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"but isnt it worth a try?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"if it isnt gonna work then the outcome would be the same"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"im just tired, and exhausted..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"ive been thinking about this non-stop"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"please...i know that you wont give up..."<br /></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"im not the only person for you"</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" ></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"there are thousands of other girls that would be perfect with you"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"no there wouldnt.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"yes there would"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"im exhausted...i cant go on..."</span></span><br /><br />Like I said.. pretty emo at the time..<br />I was thinking this at the time... I was sad yet angry...<br />She said she had been thinking about this non-stop...<br />It had only been 1 day of thinking....<br />I spent a whole week thinking about what was going to happen after Chinese new year...<br />And that was hell for me...<br />Dont you just hate it when someone tells you to just look somewhere else??<br />Shes exhausted from this situation....<br />This doesnt even come remotely close to what I will go through in the coming months...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"if you think that it wont work then it wont....."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"did you ever believe it would work?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"i dont know..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"i never really thought about that until recently"</span></span><br /><br />Theres the proof right there.. Proof that she never really believed it would even work..<br />She never even thought about it...<br />It was doomed to end from the start..<br />How is it possible for something to be successful when you never believed in it at the first place...<br /><br />This is when i gave up... I Couldnt convince her.. She had her mind set... There was no other way..<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"Your past 2 boyf's.. 2 people who you fell in love with.. you believed that they both could work.. and yes they made you believe it could.. but they lied.. they broke your heart... but now theres someone who truely believes it could work but your pushing him away..."</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"ashley...i just dont think that youre the right one for me..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"I cant change your mind...."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"i just hope you dont regret it someday.."</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">(Will never happen)</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"so can we be friends...?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"i know we can... i just wish we were more..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"im positive that you will find another girl that will make you so happy again"</span></span><br /><br />Super Emo bits... T_T<br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"maybe in 3 years.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"I cant do anything cause im in the army.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"i just want you to know, that i am here for you"</span></span><br /><br />Oh how I actually wish you stuck to what you say...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"well...im sure things will get better"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"well thats what i thought.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"I hit rock bottom in may last year..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"thought things were getting better by the end of the year"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"thought things could only get better"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"thought we could continue how things were"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"i guess i was wrong."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"im sorry..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"im so sorry..."</span></span><br /><br />More very emo bits.. Which i shall not include for my sake...<br />Way too emo and I agree with that >.< style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);" size="2" face="Comic Sans MS">"you know what? i may have just broken up with you, but i am still your friend, and i am going to slap some damn sense into you next time i see you! youre being so emo!"</span><br /><br />If she was truely my friend.. She wouldnt have done the things she was about to do in the coming months...<br /><br />She said goodnight in our own way of saying...<br />She said it like she was happy...<br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"goodnight"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"sweet dreams U EGB"</span> (do not ask what EGB means...)<br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"well your taking this well.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"im trying to be positive..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"you positive?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"you always have doubts"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"well, im trying to ignore them..."</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"you cant ignore everthing"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"i know..but i can try"<br /></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" >"this wasnt easy you know"</span> (sure it wasnt... lets see how things are a month from now)<br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"well it never seems to work"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"all you ever do is try"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"well at least u had a choice"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128);font-family:Verdana;" >"You pick the short straw the next time.."</span></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" ><span style="font-size:85%;">"if you hate me, i understand i just want to let you know that, i still consider myself as your friend, and i will be here for you if you ever need someone to talk to... goodnight"</span> </span><br /><br />Yes I know.. I was pretty damn f***ing emo..<br />But I was heart broken...<br />I really felt like i lost everything...<br />It was so unfair on me... I didnt deserve this...<br />I didnt know what to feel really..<br />So low.. lower than Id ever expected..<br />I never knew how much it hurts...<br />unrequited love.. such a terrible thing...<br />She will never ever know how this feels like... Till the day someone does it to her...<br />She has never had anyone say to her.. That they dont love you <span style="font-weight: bold;">anymore</span>...<br /><br />You all dont really want to know what I did all night... I didnt catch a wink of sleep...<br />She slept well apparently... Just shows how much it bothered her.. if it even bothered her at all..<br />She thinks that everything could go back normally without any consequences for her actions...<br /><br />Just when I thought that this was the worst nightmare ever... and it couldnt get any worse..<br />Being dumped online... Without having the guts to even say it to my face...<br />Dumped by the 1 person you thought you could have faith in... by my own 'best' friend..<br /><br />Oh how I was soo wrong... This was just the start of the nightmare she was going to put me through...<br /><br />End of Part 3....<br />Part 4.. will be out sunday?<br />I dont know...<br />After this one.. I really feel like breaking down...<br /><br /><br />Its not over.. Far from it.. (even now)<br />Ash,Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-89510328867341769422009-06-02T23:32:00.008+12:002009-06-03T22:01:07.418+12:00Love from my experience.. Part 2... Read Part 1 first before reading this...I saved this horoscope that I found very meaningful...<br /><br />"You can never get a positive outcome on a project or in a competition if all you do is focus on negative energy.<br />See the bright side of things and stop dwelling on the bad things that are holding you back -- just pretend that they don't exist!<br />There is so much hope in your life, and you need to start recognizing it. "<br /><br />The bottom line is...<br />"You can't get a positive outcome if all you do is focus on negative stuff."<br /><br />That was one of many horoscopes I had...<br />You see.. back in August last year.. Me and her started this thing..<br />I did it to get to know her better.. I wanted to know things about her and what she thought about certain ideas...<br />So I decided to do a daily horoscope.. Where we'd check it everyday for both our signs..<br />Me being a Virgo and her a Scorpio..<br />I'd txt the horoscope to her or msn it...<br />And just talk about it.. and see how it related to our life at that moment in time..<br />It was great you know... I loved those times when we shared our thoughts...<br /><br />I remember the first time I checked the horoscopes...<br />We were making up funny acronyms.<br />It all started with my old homestay Johnpaul..<br />who at the time was obsessed with the world 'rad'..<br />Saying everything was so rad..<br />So me and her thought of turning it into acronyms..<br />It was all fun back then...<br /><br />RAD = Really Amazingly Dry..<br />We just laughed at it.. It was like our very own language..<br />Anyways.. We were making up new ones on that night..<br />(Im not gonna give you anymore examples cause its really lame but it was something we shared.. and I'll never forget)<br /><br />Back to the point of horoscopes!<br />That first night.. The horoscope of mine was:<br /><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-family:georgia;" >"A friend is about to take a big risk, and you are worried -- and torn. You want to keep them from making a mistake, but you don't want them to think you don't believe in them. Just try to do your best to help them see things more conservatively -- alert them to the downside of their idea, and what could happen. Ask them if they are ready for a worse case scenario.</span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);">"</span><br /><br />And I asked her if there were any risks she was about to take in her life..<br />She told me about how she didnt know what to do with a friend of hers...<br />She liked him and he liked her..<br />He asked her out.. but she didnt know whether to say yes.. Cause she didnt want to lie to her parents like she did with her past relationships...<br /><br />Then I checked her Horoscope for that day..<br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia; color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:100%;" >"</span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: georgia;font-family:Microsoft Sans Serif;font-size:100%;" >Take one last look at the small print before you sign on to anything today -- you can't take anything for granted right now. It's not that people are trying to trick you, it's just that you need to get more proactive about evaluating what you associate yourself with. Taking shortcuts will only get you lost. There is just too much uncertainty in the world for you to assume that something is on the </span><span style="font-family: georgia; color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:100%;" >up and up just because someone else says so. Be more cynical for the next few days."<br /></span><br />Which at that point of time.. Totally fit the situation.<br /><br />I asked her to rethink about everything..<br />You see.. the boy is overseas... And they a countries apart..<br />And getting together on a long distance relationship is a hard decision...<br />Thinking about the things like.. How is it going to work out??<br />She didnt know...<br />I say its a struggle.. The uncertainty of a long distance relationships is the worst..<br />Never knowing whether he may have ulterior motives..<br />I mean the things he says may be sweet and so caring.. But you never know the truth... Until its too late...<br />Cause in text.. It can mean anything..<br />Words are words.. But actions are the ones that justify the words..<br />Even that might not be enough.. The only way to know is when the hard times roll in..<br />If its true then surely he would try hard to fix things..<br />Its just too unknown..<br />And then I went on a tangent and talked about myself for awhile..<br />I talked about my depressing past...<br />Now looking back at these chat logs..<br />I see something you once said to me...<br /><br />"<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" ><span style="font-size:85%;">there are some things that people just cant get over....its part of life</span></span>"<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;" ></span><br /><br />And I hope you read this and remember..<br />Yes it is part of life... And there are things people cant get over..<br />This is one of them.. *sigh*<br /><br />(still looking at old chat logs)<br />Haha.. I remember the old days...<br />Once,<br />You told me you had to get 100% in a test for Chinese inorder to be allowed to get an iPod..<br />But you couldn't remember 3 or 4 characters in the test.. so your friend wrote it down for you when the teacher wasnt looking...<br />Cheater.!<br />I smile as I read back on these...<br />Such fond memories I hold on to...<br />What ever happened to it all... ? The cheerfulness.. The excitement...<br />Where did it all go..?<br /><br />I dont know.. I cant answer all these...<br />She used to share with me everybit of detail of her life..<br />Everyday.. just sharing bits of the day... No matter how small and insignificant.. or even how irrelevant it is to anything.. its just nice to know..<br />I wanted to know you for who you are as a whole..<br />No secrets.. Just be open.. Its the only way a true relationship would work out eventually..<br /><br />It meant alot to me when you shared..<br />Oh how things have changed...<br /><br />And this brings me to the next part...<br /><br />That very night (continued from part 1)<br />I felt so empty. It came as a shock to me..<br />I just thought about the past.. during CNY and what she said..<br />She agreed to stay with me to figure things out..<br />but now suddenly it all changed. I was so confused..<br />I didnt sleep until 5am that night...<br />Even though I was in bed before midnight.. I just couldnt sleep..<br />I was up thinking... just thinking...<br />Hard to admit but... I was balling my eyes out in tears..<br /><br />Just 1 of the several sleepless nights..<br /><br />The next day,<br />We didnt txt each other at all..<br />But that very night...I was going to a family prayer group that I go to once every month..<br />This group is the same exact group.. I met her at...<br />I didnt know how to face her anymore..<br />I didnt know what to say.. How to act.. I didnt know what to do around her..<br />It just felt so different..<br /><br />I was fine chatting to the other teenagers there.. until she stepped in...<br />As you can imagine.. I havent been in a friendly situation with her in almost a month..<br />I missed her alot.. yet I couldnt do anything..<br />She was wearing a yellow blouse and a blue denim skirt..<br />She looked wonderful yet.. I just didnt feel the same..<br />Just looking at her made me sad..<br />The first half of the night was spent just talking to the uncles.. Cause she was there chatting the teens..<br />And I didnt want to be there.. I wanted to just go home..<br />But I plucked up some courage and went over and joined the conversation..<br />Talking to everyone in general.. as I still couldnt face her..<br />We didnt have anything to do so we played a board game.. I cant remember the name but we had fun..<br />I felt good at that point.. I kind of forgot about everything for an hour and just enjoyed myself..<br />When she had to go home...<br />The moment she stepped out the door..<br />It was just me and Pat left out of the 3 other teenagers..<br />I dont know what hit me.. but i had to bury my head in the cushions...<br />Pat knew about the situation cause she told her about it that very night..<br />She told me to cheer up.. and said these words to me..<br /><br />"<span style="font-style: italic;">Its not that she doesnt like you anymore... Its just that she doesnt want it to be a secret to her parents</span>."<br /><br />I know it may sound stupid.. But that kinda woke me up..<br />Even though thats exactly what she has been saying all along.. When you hear it from someone else.. It just has different effects.. I felt like she didnt love me anymore.. But it wasnt that..<br />(so I thought)<br />So that very night, feeling alot better about myself..<br />I started to chat with her..<br />(Okay.. I was just feeling depressed that day.. I dont know what I was doing.. I was deperate for her..)<br />I was trying to convice her to change her mind..<br />But It didnt seem to work...<br />I spoke my mind...<br />I said that the main reason I didnt want to let you go.. Was that I was afraid..<br />*chat log*<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: Comic Sans MS;">"<span style="font-size:85%;">afraid?? of what?</span>"</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">"<span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128); font-family: Verdana;">afraid of losing you to someone else</span>"<br />"<span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128); font-family: Verdana;">cause you have a history...</span>"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: Comic Sans MS;">"what do you mean by a history?"</span><br />"<span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128); font-family: Verdana;">after a break up you seem to find a someone else within a few months.."</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: Comic Sans MS;">"no...this time im trying to not do that..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: Comic Sans MS;">"im trying to stay true to mum..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128); font-family: Verdana;">"it scares me cause id never know about it until its too late.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: Comic Sans MS;">"but...i really am going to try not to do that.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128); font-family: Verdana;">"trying doesnt mean it wont happen.."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: Comic Sans MS;">"but it also can mean that it actually wont happen..."</span><br />"<span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128); font-family: Verdana;">then say it wont.."</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: Comic Sans MS; font-weight: bold;">"okay. it wont happen"</span></span></span><br /><br />She said it <span style="font-weight: bold;">wouldnt</span> happen...<br />(But thats for another time..)<br />I didnt give up on trying to convince her..<br />I told her that It would have been soo different if the holidays didnt happen..<br />I mean we've only been together for a Month or so.. And the holidays dont really count..<br />And the time we had in Singapore was so limited.. and we couldnt do much as we were being monitered...<br />I said that we were so distant until two days ago...<br />When suddenly you decided to let it all go..<br />No warning..<br />She says the guilt built over the holidays...<br />I mean she had no one to share it with.. It was stuck in her head the entire holidays.. never telling.. It just kept growing.. Until she couldnt do it anymore..<br />But I said just settle down abit first..<br />I was begging her to reconsider..<br />Just go out once more.. See if things could work out still..<br />she finally agreed..<br />I said we wouldnt lie about our next outing..<br />Just go for a movie.. Telling her mom it was going to be just Me, her and a couple of my friends..<br />She said okay..<br />I'd say we can take things slowly.. Just grow back everything slowly.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 128); font-family: Verdana;">"being with you is all i need."</span></span><br /><br />By then it was 1.51am<br />I felt alot better.. I got back my gf.. And<span style="font-style: italic;"> thought</span> everything will go back after a few weeks..<br /><br />A week passes.. We take things slowly..<br />We still txt the normal things..<br />But her original phone broke on holidays.. and the replacement phone has a really bad battery and has a tendency to run out before the night ends..<br />At this point in time.. I was still very confused..<br />I didnt know if she changed her mind out of pity.. or if she really wanted to continue..<br />I didnt know her battery ran out.. I thought she was ignoring me or something..<br />I got angry at her once.. cause I did not know..<br />I wasnt myself then..<br />I got angry at her again.. She lied to me about sleeping again..<br />Same situation again..<br />She thought I couldnt see her online just cause she blocked me...<br />Why?<br />I still couldnt understand..<br />Did I not deserve the truth?<br />Why do you lie in a relationship?<br />Again in just a week..<br />I was losing trust in her..<br />I felt something was becoming very wrong..<br /><br />The day after valentines day...<br />We went to see a movie together..<br />We saw "He's Just Not That Into You".. What a horrible choice for the situation..<br />I mean that day was just awkward..<br />I didnt feel right.. I was still confused<br />She was acting weird as well...<br />We didnt even hold hands that day..<br />3 days before.. I thought of making an origami rose for her...<br />Cause someone said to me its a great gift..<br />He said : "If someone ever makes you an origami rose.. you god damn better be thankful! Cause their F****ing hard to make"<br />So took up the challenge...<br />I couldnt make it when my brothers are around.. I couldnt let anyone see me...<br />I snuck Coloured paper in my closet..<br />Id wake up at 4 am in the morning just to try make them.. Failing time and time again.. over 20 wasted sheets..<br />I thought that the effort was worth it all... Id give up my sleep for her.. I would have done anything..<br />And that very morning on the 15th of Febuary.. I got up at 5am just to make this paper rose...<br />Hoping I'd finally succed to make at least one..<br />I did it on the first go.. I made her a Origami gift box to go along with it...<br />Decorated it with a green back paper so it looked like grass...<br />Found an extra Ferrero Rosher and placed it in the flower..<br />Boxed it up and went back to bed about 7am..<br /><br />I couldnt give her a real one.. Her mom would find out then..<br />When I finally gave her that rose..<br />She didnt look that.. satisfied..<br />It was like she didnt appreciate the flower..<br />I felt terrible.. I mean she looked at it for 10 seconds before putting it down..<br />And just said thank you as kissed me..<br />I guess she doesnt know how much effort I put into it...<br />I spent over 7 hours working on a proper rose...<br />Was it all for nothing??<br /><br /><br />2 weeks pass..<br />I notice things are very different..<br />I didnt tell her.. But I noticed she doesnt share anymore..<br />Asking her about her day just come back with replies like<br />"It was okay", "it was good"<br />Id ask if anything interesting happened..<br />and everytime its a no.. Just a regular day...<br />For almost everyday... It was different before..<br />There was always something every 2 or 3 days.. and she'd always seem so happy about it..<br />Id ask at times if anything was wrong and shed just give a smiley '=]' and say everything was fine..<br /><br />I said to her that I dont really trust people often..<br />Its hard for me to trust someone..<br />She asked "how long must you know someone until you trust them"?<br />I said.. Its not about how long I've known them.. its all about how much I know them...<br />Its sad to say this.. But I lied to you...<br />I said I trusted you.. but i only said it cause it was the right thing to say...<br />I kind of lost trust in you... Its just the lies..<br />Bedtimes is one thing... but is there others I dont know about?<br /><br />I did trust you..<br />You were the only one I can say I trusted fully in my life..<br />I would have told you anything... Any secret...<br />Its hard to earn my trust... and its so easy to lose it..<br />You were the first person I can say I trully <span style="font-weight: bold;">Loved</span>...<br />When I said I loved you...<br />I meant so much more..<br />To me.. Love wasnt just <span style="font-family: georgia;"> a feeling of wanting to be there with someone. </span>That's just infatuation... To me love is the never ending need to care for someone.. Being there through the ups and downs of life.. Making that one person happy... Even for the sake of your own hapiness.. Respecting one another.. And trusting everything to that person.. Doing anything for that one..<br /><br />Did I not try hard enough? I know I was all new to this... I did not know what to do... I played it safe by not risking things... I didn't want to lose you... That's the only thing that kept me back... You don't know just how much you meant to <span style="font-size:100%;">me..</span><br /><br />End of part 2..<br />I'll post part 3 on friday...<br />I need break from this... sigh*<br /><br />Ash,Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1618206229393569014.post-53244169510876065762009-06-01T18:50:00.008+12:002009-06-02T17:37:35.190+12:00Love through my experience.. This will take more than 1 post... so I guess this is Part 1.Quote: "Love is often portrayed as being divinely blessed, either by Cupid, an angel, or by God Himself."<br /><br />Love is a very two sided thing.. Even given the best of beginnings.. There is always the potential for a sad conclusion...<br /><br />Quote: "After all, love is like a flame because it can ignite the blaze of passion, but also because it can consume and destroy if used carelessly. Love is a wonderful thing, but profane or unrequited love has the power to tear families and lives apart."<br /><br />Lets start from the beginning of the end...<br />Date: January 27 2009 (CNY)<br />Approx time: (GMT+8) 7:30pm..<br /><br />Its chinese new year.. while having probably the best time ever. Gambling, playing cards with my cousins.. Just having a wonderful time..<br />But in the back of my mind I was waiting... waiting for a txt.. From her. (Lets just call 'her' using pronouns.. so I dont point names)<br />A txt that wishes "us" (or what was) a happy 3rd month anniversary..<br /><br />7:45pm:<br />Received a txt from her asking for my address as she left her FOB cd at her uncles place when she was in singapore.. But that was it.. no message of celebration.. none what so ever..<br />Replied back asking if she forgot..<br /><br />Turns out she did.. And apologizes.. with a sorry and a line "we need to talk".. the cliche sentence to say its over..<br />Broken spirited and broken hearted.. Hiding my face from all my relatives on the couch.. Trying not to cry.. Pretending to be sleepy..<br />With hesitation I asked her why...<br />She tells me its 'not you its me'.. She doesnt want to keep secrets from her parents anymore.. she cant keep lying to them... especially her mom.. For reasons I have to keep confidential... (I made a Promise)<br />And that she says that when she says 'I love you'.. She doesnt mean it as much as I do..<br />At this point we havent seen each other in a long time due to the holidays... We were in different countries..<br />So im sitting there wondering what she meant by "mean it more than I do"<br />I thought it was cause we havent been together for long.. We only got together for a month before the long holidays..<br />I told her to think of other options.. stay with me and we'll sort this out together...<br />Me being the stupid optimistic person I believed her...<br />Saying that when we get back to nz we will talk things out...<br /><br />The next 9 nights before returning were spent in fear...<br />When she arrived back in nz..<br />I chatted to her online..<br />Date: Febuary 9th<br />Time: 9:30pm<br />Thought everything was alright..<br />we talked as if nothing has changed.. I thought it could go back to the way it was..<br /> I organized with her to meet up to talk things out..<br />Finally sorted at 12.30am<br />Being tired I was going to bed...<br />I asked her to go to bed too cause we were going to meet up quite early...<br />She just arrived and needed some rest (at least i thought)<br />She agrees and we say good night..<br />But noticed she logged off instantly after saying gdnite.. And anyone who uses msn as much as I do would know that could only mean that she quit msn herself and didnt shut down...<br />As she uses Yahoo msger as well.. I log in on a hunch that shes still there...<br />*logs in*<br />And there she is.. online..<br />5 seconds later shes gone.. using a Yahoo checker.. shes still online...<br />I ask her why she hides and lies to me..<br />She tells me its cause she doesnt want to have an argument with me..<br />I tell her I wouldnt over bedtimes... She just apologizes..<br />At that point I cant help to feel that if she has the capacity to lie about the simple things of bedtimes... what else could she be capable of...<br />She gets disconnected and I receieve a txt saying: (from what i can remember)<br /><br />"Im sorry I didnt reply on yahoo... I got disconnected and my dad asked me to sleep.. I dont suppose you want to meet up tomorrow anymore after this... but if you still do tell me"<br />Of course I still wanted to talk...<br />I replied and said my goodnights..<br /><br />The following morning.. waking up to the day, waking up confused and left dumbfounded on what is going to happen...<br />When I nearly reach the place we were meeting.. I see her there.. looking so sad..<br />I walk up to her.. all she says is "Im sorry about last night"...<br />walking beside me with her head down.. we find somewhere to sit..<br /><br />The first thing that came out of her.. was a tear...<br />and a sad story telling me of how she loves me but we cant be together...<br />We cant because the guilt she has from lying to her parents is too much..<br />And she suggests we take a 'break'<br />She tells me she doesnt want to lose me as a friend... and just wants us to go back to the way it was before it all..<br />By now her eyes are filled with tears.. tears rolling down her cheeks.. I wanted to hold her so tight and tell her everything was alright.. but it wasnt...<br />She wanted some sort of reply from me.. but I didnt have anything to say...<br />She got angry at me<br />I didn't know what to say... I really did not know... And I do feel bad..<br />It was just such a shock.. I didnt know how to feel.. Didnt know how to say what I felt at that moment.. And Im sorry...<br />I wanted to say no but I couldn't..<br />I couldn't stand seeing you cry... It hurts just looking at you... Tears rolling down.. with a frown..<br />I just wanted to see you smile... I wanted everything to go back to the way it was before the holidays..<br />I didn't want it to end.. I thought we had something real.. I thought you were happy... I loved you..<br />I thought I could be a reason for you to be strong..<br />You've always told me to be strong... And I've tried hard... I kept to my word..<br />You tell me that you weren't as strong as you thought you were...<br />We sit there in silence for the next 30 mins...<br />I was so confused.. I didn't know what to do..<br /><br />You had to go home...<br />You gave me a hug that felt so genuine.. something that ive missed for so long...<br />And said sorry..<br />But this time it wasn't the same.. It wasn't a joyous ending..<br />As you moved away.. I held your hand and kept you close..<br />I wanted to kiss you so badly.. but..<br />I dont know..<br />I didnt know if I should.. I didnt know anything anymore..<br />A day before I thought it could go back to where we left off...<br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">The happiest days of my life.</span><br /><br />I walked her to the bus stop... trailing behind.. taking glances at her..<br />As we wait for the bus.. I stand there thinking to myself... Its not about what I want.. Its about her.. If I let her go... and if our love was true.. then she would come back to me..<br />I tell her okay.. and agree to take a break..<br />I was curious and asked about what she meant by a 'break'..<br />and how long...<br />I said maybe a couple of months??<br />She tells me.. yeah.. or maybe never..<br />My heart sinks as the bus pulls in...<br />She kisses me on the cheeks and says thank you...<br />As the bus rolls away.. I see her give me this smile..<br />A smile you just cant not smile back to...<br />but what she couldn't see was a tear... rolling down my cheeks...<br />As I walk home in sorrow.. head down.. pacing slow... thinking about everything..<br />About how I spent the last 2 months sleepless at night just thinking of her... dreaming of holding her one more time.. Looking into those beautiful eyes as be brought our heads near.. Just before we kissed.. Just wishing to be together again...<br />It felt like it was all gone... I dreamed for an entire holiday.. only to be left with..<br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Nothing...</span></span><br /><br /><br />I will finish this post in another time...<br /><br />Ash,Ashley Tokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210814549738762873noreply@blogger.com1